The Fat and Pretty of Art School
by Paper Lanterns And Yogurt
Summary: We'll laugh and we'll sing (poorly) but whatever happens we're in it together babe. AU NejiTen
1. The Life and Times of Tenten NoLastName

"Fuck me with a tuba, Tenten, where did you put my acrylic paints?"

Neji was so charming in the morning the brunette-haired girl surmised. Not even a foot out of her own door and he was already lambasting her with his groggy pre-dawn scorn. They say that Neji is a cold-hearted, emotionless bastard with a popsicle up his skinny ass, but for Tenten he's that slightly sociopathic hottie she had the honor of being roommates with.

Yawning, uncaring if Neji was standing before her shirtless and ruffled like a violated ostrich as he waited for her answer, Tenten replied leisurely, "They should still be where they were last night." She found his eternal suffering amusing, but she had no intention on him going off on a rant about how much those paints cost. He could turn a blind eye to their third roommate, Rock Lee, if the guy ever got run over by a truck full of squirrels on fire, but misplace even one of his kneadable erasers and he loses it quicker than his cousin does around her long-time crush.

"I checked there!" he shouted indignantly, trailing Tenten into their shared kitchenette as she began her much more important search for some breakfast. He fidgeted uncomfortably as she pulled out a frying pan along with a couple of eggs. "Tenten, I have a piece due by Friday for critique and the entire thing is in acrylics." If one didn't know Neji, it would sound like he was reminding her of a fact that she should be well aware of. In truth, he was being whiny and trying to gloss it over with being an ass.

"Mmhmm," Tenten replied noncommittally. Of course she would know the deadline of Neji's latest art piece, considering _she_ was the model. Glancing over at him, admiring the view of his pasty white chest that didn't seem to have the testosterone needed to grow hair, she asked casually, "Do you want your eggs sunny side up or scrambled."

Without missing an aggravated beat, Neji said, "Scrambled; with a ketchup smiley face. Now where did you put my acrylics?"

Tenten cracked open several eggs onto the pan, listening to the satisfying sound of the yolks sizzling against the burning metal. "I never touched them - do you think Lee will be here in time for breakfast?"

"Well _somebody_ touched them - and probably not, he's still camping out to get that autograph from his idol." Neji made a face, obviously remembering how the bowl cut-haired youth enthusiastically left them to sleep in front of the renowned Hidden Leaf Theaters with all the other drama geeks. It wasn't that Lee will probably never wash his hand again after the famous actor Might Gai shakes it at the signing booth that grossed Neji out, it was having to feed Lee's pet snapping turtle that flaked rotting bits of flesh constantly while both of its lazy eyes seemed to rattle in its bony skull while its owner was gone.

Tenten rolled her eyes at his rather skewed priorities. "You probably shoved them somewhere when you came home last night, trying to make space for more of your junk." Tenten didn't mean to call it 'junk' really, but technically it _was_ junk. Specifically, trash taken from a dumpster. That Neji dove in to retrieve himself. Late at night. _Not insane, my fat ass_, Tenten thought with a grin as she poked the eggs with a spatula.

"It is not junk!" was the anticipated caterwaul as Neji turned to retreat back to his inner sanctum, probably to prove her right but unwilling to admit it. For an art student he was ridiculously organized. All of his shelves were lined with books and mannequins and all the other nonsense he claims he needs but never uses, kept in immaculate order.

Becoming Neji's roommate had been the craziest thing to happen in her life. It was a sheer luck that Tenten got into Konoha's School or the Arts as a dancer, but having to room with a guy who had prettier hair than most females and an attitude fitting for only the cattiest of top models, felt like hell in the making. Neji didn't look like an art student in the first place. He seemed too pristine for it, too rigid to be in such a place - but that was only the surface. Within a year he proved that underneath his 'holier than thou' nature he was a sweet guy. Albeit, a guy who makes really pointless sculptures that combust when they spin and watches marathons of Bob Ross for fun, but sweet none the less.

Tenten hummed to herself as she filled two plates with scrambled eggs, topping them with some salt and making smiley faces on them with the ketchup. Just as she finished, the expected, "You were right, but don't you dare tell anyone!" came from the white-eyed 'prodigy'.

Feeling exactly as home, Tenten picked up the two plates and headed for Neji's room, knowing that she wouldn't give him up for anything in the world.

**Here, take this knife and cut my heart out**

Being a dancer surprisingly required skill. Tenten groaned as her dance teacher, Anko, made everyone do the same routine thirty times straight from start to finish. It was also done in ballet, the hardest thing to accomplish in dancing except maybe if one had to tap-dance atop a field of flaming coals. By the time lunch rolled around, Tenten felt like she needed a wheelchair just to get to the cafeteria.

"Do you think you can pose for me?" Neji asked the second she came into his view. He had been arguing with Sasuke, a junior photographer a year younger than them whom the teachers were trying to get into painting because of his potential and eye for detail. Because it was _Uchiha_ though, Neji stopped mid-sentence to begin addressing her. The raven-haired male let out a growl before walking away to patronize his own roommates.

Tenten didn't know if she should fawn over Neji's childish passive-aggressive way for dealing with guys he didn't like, or enraged that he couldn't see her legs were still trembling from standing en-pointe for three hours. "Why yes, Neji, I would _love_ to," she bit out, drenching the words in more sweetness than Candyland itself, and fueled by a rumbling stomach and aching toes. "In fact, for your next piece why don't I pose naked with a flock of doves around me, one perched lovingly on my _ass_ as I bend over to flash my womanhood on an alabaster pedestal for all to see and gawk at?"

Either he really believed her words, or he was playing along with her, but Neji got a wide glassy look in his eye as he smiled softly and clasped his hands together hopefully. "Wow, you would do that for me?" he whispered like a kid who has just been told he was getting a puppy for his birthday. Groaning in frustration, Tenten didn't bother answering as she began to drag him off to go get lunch.

**You're sleeping on the floor tonight**

Posing is not a hard job unless you are Tenten. She is a _dancer_; moving is her _thing_. To sit still as Neji silently judges the skin cells on her elbows was nearly impossible the first times he had asked her to do so. He usually placed a pillow or ottoman for her to lean against, and would allow breaks unless he really needed to finish something, but Tenten still found herself needing to fidget this way or that. In the beginning, Neji would stonily correct her posture and even grab and maneuver her as if she was one of his mannequins dummies.

He forced her to slow down, to become patient and think over her actions. Tenten could ponder long and hard about choices she had made just by posing for a few hours. It not only helped keep her still, but allowed to make clear-minded decisions or rewind from a strenuous day of dancing. Looking back on it, Tenten decided she should thank Neji for being a stick in the mud.

"I've been wanting to incorporate my studies on avians with my realistic paintings," he had told her nearly a year and a half ago as they ate cereal and microwaved pizza for dinner. Tenten fondly remembered Neji leaving sometimes for the weekends, sleeping out in the nearby woods to take photographs of birds and draw them nestling in trees. He would often come back filthy, sleep-deprived, and happier than ever.

"I'd like it if you would be my model, because the ones in the studio cost too much. Plus, they think I want to have sex with them." Neji was also an astounding hyperrealistic painter. The detail and likeness he imbued into his work was like looking into a mirror. Of course, others had called him rather 'plain' and 'boring' and he had a habit of being uncouth to buyers, but no one else had been able to master such remarkable technical skill as his in a long time. "It will broaden my subjects and maybe get those critics off my back. And I've always wanted to... paint you, so... will you?"

And here she was, about two years later and practically the central theme of all of Neji's big projects. He still drew others or sketched them with charcoal (which he would like to point out, "is the messiest, most kiddie-bullshit medium I have _ever_ used.") but she ended up as his main focus in his expansion. Instead of being his 'bland' hyperrealistic self, Neji had shifted to rather surrealistic works that were still very detailed, but catered more to abstract meanings instead of 'I just painted a pretty picture'. His work had _life_ in it. His work had her.

But sometimes she had to stay still long into the night - such as now - usually after dinner (or else the roar of her stomach would echo in their shared dorm room) and she got tired. Tenten tried hard to fight it off, to be as subtle as possible, but nothing could fool Neji's eyes as he noticed her head lean against her shoulder and her eyelids droop heavily.

"Tenten, it's nearly three in the morning... Do you want to go to bed?" But she was already in the soft clutches of slumber, a warm lazy smile on her face as she dreamed of bird wings and the spotlight on her as she danced the lead in the school's next show.

When she awoke, it was always in her own bed with the covers pulled up to her chin and the sounds and smells of Neji trying to make her favorite chocolate chip pancakes.

**Why do I love turpentine so much?**

"Sakura is _so beautiful_," Lee swooned for the twelfth time in the theater. Tenten silently swatted him in the back of his shiny round head, shushing him so that his loud voice wouldn't disrupt the intermediate-dance class.

But really, Tenten did _not_ want to hear how pretty, talented, and absolutely _flawless_ that Haruno girl was. Like Sasuke and Naruto, she transferred in at the middle of the year and quickly became a teacher's favorite. Diligent, hard-working, and brilliant she was.

It wasn't that Tenten was jealous of the pink-haired cherub either, because she was already the lead dancer and was already a lot more skilled. It was just that Sakura was so fucking _talented_.

Tenten had to struggle long and hard to get where she was. Nearly every day after grade school she forewent hanging out with classmates to attend lessons for a grueling old-school dance teacher who would hit you in the knees with a hollow iron rod if you messed up. Her family wasn't privileged like the other ones too, and she worked illegally for two years at several shady run-down diners and restaurants before she could get her job permit to help her parents afford the various classes.

Tenten wasn't a good dancer when she started either, and her mother often told her to give up before she drove her family to the poor house. But Tenten wanted to be as graceful as the dancer Lady Tsunade, and she kept practicing even when her toes bleed and her ankles buckled beneath her so she had to literally drag herself to bed some nights.

Seeing Sakura progress so easily and elegantly throughout the ranks was like a harsh punch to all of her own efforts, and it made Tenten despise that about the otherwise sweet girl.

"She's more like a baby than a goddess," someone said to her right, taking her attention immediately. Neji always had that ability about him.

Lee puffed up. "How can you say that? She is like a spring deity up there!" Neji quickly glared at Lee to remind to keep his volume low before glancing at Sakura like one would do a dissected specimen.

"She's not a goddess. A goddess is refined with high cheekbones and a size 0 waist. Sakura's face is too rounded and her forehead is way too big. Her entire body looks like she hasn't hit puberty yet." Before the two could get into a fight, Tenten covered Lee's mouth with her hand (a feat in and of itself), and yanked Neji down into the seat beside her.

"Can you two shut up about Sakura for one goddamn minute?" she questioned lowly, holding them physically hostage as she watched Sakura complete her practice routine. She couldn't help but frown when Sakura faltered on the ending.

**I'll dawdle away time if it's time with you**

Neji can be a real motherfucker sometimes.

"Move your ass, Tenten! You're a hundred and thirty-seven goddamn pounds of muscle, you can't be that slow!"

Tenten daydreamed about tackling her best friend to the floor and crushing his fragile milk bones underneath her 'hundred and thirty-seven goddamn pounds of muscle' as she jogged to keep up with the frantic Hyuuga. For a guy who is rarely seen outside of the studio, his long legs could take him far very quickly.

"Shut up! I'm the one carrying the food!" She watched as Neji's lanky rear end disappeared past another rot-infested alleyway full of dumpsters and suspicious stains streaking the walls. Snorting her bangs out of her faces (she needed another haircut) Tenten pursued her cupid with a disgruntled sigh.

They ended up in the nearby forest. Neji's Nirvana, she liked to call it as he finally began to slow down and scout the surroundings. His vigilant white eyes spotted land marks only someone as maniacal he could understand. If Neji wasn't raised by his stuffy, borderline-senile uncle Tenten would have waited for him to crawl around the dirt floor like a bloodhound. They spent the morning simply walking around, following some fairy dust path seen only by Neji as he guided her through the bushes and over streams with a firm hand.

"I'm glad I didn't pack anything that needs to be reheated," she said as she gazed up and watched as the sun soared to its highest point in the sky already. A refreshing breeze brushed past her, tickling her nose and nearly making her sneeze. "It's so pretty out here."

"Pretty...," Neji murmured contemplatively as he pushed a large shrub out of the way and allowed her to duck under his arm to get by. He at least had the sense to not wear anything that needed to be smoothed down (god forbid he walk around with wrinkled cuffs) and instead wore a light tan jacket tucked into dark shorts. Tenten herself had pulled on a sweater over a pink shirt and knee-length overalls, barely slipping her feet into proper sneakers before Neji told her they were off to have a 'picnic'.

Picnics with Neji were like tribal hunts sans face paint and cannibalism.

He had _rules_ for these picnics, restrictions Tenten had simply puzzled out over the years. For one, it was only her and him. Not even Neji's darling little sisters were allowed to join him; even when Tenten invited them countless times they would stutter out excuses, flushing and rapidly glancing at their brother's stoney face. She tried to get Kiba to come along since the dog-lover enjoyed nature as well, but before their picnic Neji had disappeared while she was making the food and then Kiba had shakily called her telling her he couldn't make it because Akamaru had somehow suddenly gotten sick.

Another rule was it had to be beautiful, new, and tightly-packed. The first two were easy, especially with Neji constantly searching for different places and the forest being incredibly large, but the last part always caught Tenten's attention. Sometimes they would climb up a mountain and have to share a single rock to balance their weights on, or they would practically sit in each other's laps as they squeezed into a tiny crevice surrounded by wild flowers. Tenten vividly remembered the time Neji thought he could push her into a tree hollow, practically spanking her for the whole afternoon before he relented and then spent a good two hours trying to pull her back out.

Tenten had hoped Neji's ways would change, and he would decide they didn't need to be octopi and could just rest beside a babbling brook or a creaking widow.

"Do you think you can push your ass through this?"

It seems that Lady Luck was not on her side (Tenten never was a lucky person she concluded).

Tenten stared at the small entrance, an old burrow of sorts underneath a large rock overgrown with creepers and vines. She took another chance at the sun, and was disappointed to see it already falling past the tree tops.

"It's probably way too late by now," she said reasonably, trying not to see Neji's disappointed face. "I mean, we spent the entire day walking around and it would take ages to slip into that… hole in the ground. There wouldn't even be enough space to eat in there I bet. We can just eat on the way back. I know you're hungry, you haven't even eaten in two days and I made your favorite salads -"

Neji covered her mouth with his hand, which smelled of mint and tree sap and tasted like salty dirt. Tenten quickly stopped talking, looking up at Neji inquisitively. "I've checked the den already. It's much larger inside," he clarified, his eyes twinkling silver for a moment. "And I… thought we could sleep in it. I have some blankets and flashlights prepared already." Tenten stared at him a bit, wondering if this is really how Neji wants to spend his time with her: in a tiny hole underneath a rock in the middle of the forest more cramped than two peas in a pod.

But seeing his thoughts displayed so vividly, Tenten couldn't help but smile and remove his large clammy palm (when had he begun sweating so much?) with a nod.

It could have been romantic (but Neji just didn't _do_ romance and Tenten had long ago stopped wishing for it) had they ended off with the implications that they spent the night cuddling together. In truth, it involved Tenten having to spend an hour enlarging the den entrance to get her body through it and then realizing that she had accidentally taken Lee's bag of leg warmers with her instead of the picnic basket. And they didn't cuddle because it was nice, they clung to each other because Neji's idea of a blanket was a thin strip of cloth and temperatures dived below twenty degrees when night falls.

As her teeth jackhammered against each other and she was gripping onto Neji for dear life though, Neji doing the same thing as he tried to get them both wrapped up in the sheet, Tenten couldn't help but grin and think that this picnic had gone pretty well.

Neji has certainly made her sleep in worse conditions with him before.

**(Such locations involving in a swamp, a zoo, a mall, the top of Mount Konohagakure, and once underneath a horse.)**

Sakura is beautiful.

Ino is gorgeous.

Hinata is graceful.

Temari is seductive.

Kin is exotic.

Karui is fiery.

Tayuya is freaky.

Shiho is cute.

Karin is passionate.

And Tenten is just there.

**This will be hilarious on our honeymoon**

"No."

What Neji wants Neji gets.

"Yes."

Except for now.

He growled slightly from the back of his throat as he stared down his teacher. Kakashi was unimpressed.

"You will do it. I won't let you turn down another commission like this," the one-eyed male said sternly, the two of them standing in an empty classroom after school. Tenten had already gone with Lee to buy Chinese take-out for their dinner. "Your uncle is pressuring you into taking over the company, right? He thinks you're wasting your time here. This can prove him wrong."

Neji narrowed his eyes. "But I don't want to paint Sakura nude."

Kakashi rolled his eye. "What are you, gay? She won't be nude either, she'll be wearing a white dress. Sakura's father has asked personally for you to give him a painting of his little cherry blossom. He's even promised to cover the cost of the canvas and paints."

Pressing his hands to his temple, Neji said, "This is just another plan for my uncle to get me to like Haruno. It's nothing more than trying to strengthen the company to him."

"It is," Kakashi replied stoically. "But you can't decline it."

Glaring, Neji turned on his heel and promptly walked out of the room. He would need to find the biggest, most expensive canvas he could find.

Meanwhile Kakashi leaned against his desk and sighed, pulling out a little orange book.

Caged birds always struggle the hardest.


	2. Dat Ass

"Keep your foot still."

"I am!"

"No, you are moving it because you are getting restless. You are a terrible model."

"I've never modeled before! Quit being such an ass!"

"I am the painter. I can be as much of an ass I want. Now sit still for one goddamn minute will you?"

Sakura sighed miserably and returned to her rigid pose. Neji continued painting the basic shapes, keeping an eye on the proportions and foreshortening. How he had begun to loathe painting hyper-realistically. Not a single bird wing in sight. Neji wrinkled his nose at the canvas in disgust.

Then, "Sasuke would at least _think up_ a way to make me feel better." Neji tried not to roll his eyes at the little girl before him. If he wasn't careful he might end up painting her as a five-year-old.

"Sasuke is a prat who doesn't like to see how distorted your face becomes when you sob into his expensive shirts. Plus, I am not Sasuke and thus I am not obligated to consider your feelings." Neji didn't bother leaning over to see Sakura's face. She'll probably have her mouth opened like a gaping flounder and will have shifted her posture again. It will completely ruin his focus, and Neji wanted to get the entire project over with as quickly as possible. He stood up on the sturdy metal stool before him, cursing at the obscene girth of the canvas he was being forced to work on. If it fell over it could crush a small innocent bunny. Or his sisters.

"Tenten was _so_ wrong when she described you!"

Oh, that was interesting. "Tenten deemed you worthy of intellectual communication?" He would have to congratulate her for whatever torture she might have endured.

A squeaky huff. "Of course! I had to make sure you weren't some creep, so I asked your roommate! She told me you were polite, courteous, and well-mannered. But obviously she was wrong!"

Neji tried to suppress a smirk as he heard such words being used to categorize him. Tenten simply could not simplify anything into just three words. She obviously bullshitted it to give Sakura a good impression of him. "I am polite, courteous, and well-mannered to _Tenten_ because she has earned my respect. All you have earned is my ire."

"That's it!" the sound of movement could be heard. Neji dropped his paintbrush onto the table with his other brushes and water jug. "I'm out of here! Daddy needs to find another artist because I won't put up with this!" Sakura stomped past Neji, lace ribbons of ivory and flowing silk dress and all. Even when she was angry she was beautiful, much to Neji's contempt. He watched her rush past him, taking one glance over at what he had accomplished in the agonizing few hours they had to be with each other.

Her eyes widened momentarily, a look of awe washing over her smooth face before she fled and was out of the room.

Neji silently began cleaning up, knowing she'll be back. And he'll hate every minute of it.

**Alabaster pedestal. Check. Doves. Check. Model? Pending.**

Tenten didn't know when her life had become so entangled with Neji's. It was all his fault.

She chewed on another piece of orange chicken, uncaring if she resembled a T-rex digging into the unfortunate corpse of a gutted triceratops. Lee watched her from across their small kitchen table, eyes filled with fear and admiration. Tenten ignored him though, intent on engulfing her meal at a rate even Naruto Uzumaki would be find appalling.

It wasn't like she missed Neji! Of course not, he could roll around in a nest of fire ants and she wouldn't give a damn! Well… maybe if he was eaten alive and his bones picked clean… but he would deserve it for being so pig-headed! (Denial is such a gorgeous veil.)

Nope. Tenten was _so not_ angry at the fact that Neji had dropped all of his projects to take on a commission to paint Sakura. She was _not_ absolutely livid that Neji would be spending his afternoons scrutinizing the skin cells on the pink-haired girl's elbows like he would do her. And she would never be _jealous_ on the prospect of Neji going for someone so level-headed, smart, diligent, beautiful, and _talented_ over a rough-housing, miser, cantankerous, _fat_, and unskilled little miss nobody like her.

Finished with her meal, and Neji still not back from his 'painting session' with Haruno (which should have been done _fifteen minutes ago!_), Tenten reached over for the take-out box containing the food she and Lee had bought for the white-eyed male. Lee sucked in his breath at her actions, their eyes meeting in some awkward pseudo-sibling understanding.

Tenten's fingers inched forwards, but then fell back lethargically. She sighed, utterly miserable.

"Fuck him, I am so hungry right now," Tenten griped as she picked up the food to go put it in the fridge instead. And when she was doing so, she most definitely did _not_ make him a little post-it note telling him to eat more because she doesn't like to see him appear so haggard and bony.

Nope. No siree.

**Rain is falling, looks like love (and still in toil, it takes heart to love the rose)**

Today is shitty. Yesterday was shitty. By order of generalization, that meant tomorrow will also be shitty. If not shittier.

"Geez, you're so impatient. I think I'm going to have a heart attack."

"Shut up, you're too lazy to get a heart attack."

"… what a drag…."

Tenten drove past another red-light, swerving out of the way of a truck full of chickens at the last second. Shikamaru clutched onto the bag of fertilizer in his lap nervously. "But seriously, you're going to kill us." Tenten didn't hear him as she bypassed a car going too slow for her liking. She careened them into the other lane, only returning to the original lane right as another car going the opposite direction nearly smashed into them. Shikamaru pulled out a sharpie to begin writing his will on the bag of fertilizer.

"Why would my attempt to end our lives be a reason to panic?" Tenten demand sourly.

Shikamaru sighed, and wished that the farm where Tenten's grandmother and cousin lived wasn't so close to the deer preserve his parents owned. "I'm just pointing out the fact that lately you've been really impulsive. You haven't been thinking anything through and I've noticed. In our English class all you wrote was a very short, albeit very descriptive, essay on how you were going to devour some orange chicken in your refrigerator. Thank the heavens Mr. Sarutobi didn't make you read it out loud; you write eating like how people write piranhas ripping apart their victims on the nature channel."

The car sped down a dirt road recklessly. Plains full of grazing cattle passed them by, the sound of mooing and stench of cowpaddies in the air. No wonder Ino always refused to go with them.

"Whatever. I've been stressed lately," Tenten snarled between clenched teeth.

"You're always stressed," Shikamaru pointed out, beginning to utilize his basic understanding of psychology from 9th grade. "Usually it's eustress, which is good for you because you have a Type A personality: hard-working, good time-managing, and a workaholic. Only now, you're not stressed about your work. You're stressed about something else." He slid his gaze over to the bun-haired girl. "Or should I say, _someone_ else?"

The way the car nearly ran into a sign about the steep limit ten feet from the road was enough confirmation.

"Say his name and I _swear_ I will plow this thing into the nearest bovine."

Shikamaru leaned his arm against the window, fertilizer sack for his grandmother's garden settled happily in the crook of his arm. "I need a drag."

**Don't think I'll be crushed, just do it with love**_love_love

Leaving two men together to fend for themselves can be disastrous. Either the men realize they cannot live without women and revert back into savage apes, or they do the unthinkable and learn the methodical women-work for themselves.

Neji and Lee are a tricksy combination of the two stereotypes. For one, only Neji cannot live without Tenten but is perfectly capable of basic human function. Lee on the other hand doesn't need a woman but works on everything _but_ basic human function.

"Get out of the kitchen."

Lee turned, facing the admonishing glare of his white-eyed roommate. Tenten and Shikamaru had only set off for the countryside yesterday night but already Lee was trying to 'assert his domestic side'. Last time Lee wanted to do such, his scrambled eggs sent Neji to the Upchuck Clinic at the end of Uncontrollable Vomiting and Wheezing Avenue. Neji had fixed this problem by resolving to never let Lee cook even at the expense of starving until Tenten came back.

"I promise I will not explode the refrigerator like last time, my youthful roommate!" Lee vowed, itching closer to the cooking utensils only females seemed to know and remember the names of.

Women were truly supernatural creatures.

Had Neji been less susceptible to Tenten's cooking he would have allowed for Lee to turn their shared kitchen into aftermath of a Mongolian warzone, but he also remembered how the explosion from the last fridge caused a ceramic sculpture he had made to fall off of its shelf and shatter across his floor. He had woken up deliriously and stomped all over the 26 razor-edged pieces, forced to miss one of Tenten's dance performances because he was having the remains of his obliterated crane picked out at the ER.

"Hell no," said Neji resolutely. And that was the end of that.

Heartbroken, Lee sniffled and limped back to his room as if Neji's words had physically injured him. The white-eyed male smirked at his friend's sadness.

It felt good to be in control of his life again.

**I want Miss Independent but Miss Independent don't want me**

_Ring Ring Ring! (10: 26 a.m.)_

"Hello? Neji? Hey it's Tente- shit. I'm playing a game, I can't concentrate on what you're saying."

"Yes, asshole, the countryside does get internet. I'm teaching Ranmaru how to - goddammnit Ran, you have to shoot them in the face! In the face, right between their eyes!"_  
_

"Stop crying Ran, they're not real people and you are not a real murderer."

"I'm going to have to call you back Neji..."

_Ring Ring Ring! (12: 19 p.m.)_

"I'm a little busy here, Neji. Shikamaru and I are - fucking pumpkin guts! Shika, put that shit down right now, I _know_ you can't lift more than thirty pounds without your arms snapping off!"

"What? No, Shikamaru and I are not fucking. Damn does this place has really bad reception."

"I said we're not fucking!"

"What? What? You're breaking up on me Neji! It must be the miles of deer shit everywhere... What? No I don't prefer deer over hawks why would you consider that? Hello? HELLO?"

_Ring Ring Ring! (1: 57 p.m.)_

"Hello? Neji?"

"Sasuke? How the hell did you get a hold of Neji's cellphone... you know, without pulling it out of his backpocket like an enormous creeper."

"Threw it at Naruto in a fit of jealous rage?"

"Hold on a second - GRANNY, I'll be down in a minute! Just hush, will ya? - Excuse me you were saying? Something about Shikamaru and I being together in the countryside with a child?"

"Ran, I'm on the phone with my friend's pretentious arch-rival, I can't talk to ... Shikamaru did _what?_ With my _what_? That lazy sack of horse manure is going _down_." Click.

_Ring Ring Ring! (3: 04 p.m.)_

"Get your phone back I see? Did you really have to nerd-fight with Sasuke in front of the entire campus? Now everyone thinks you can actually fight."

"Ha ha, it's actually nice to get a call from you now. The whole day's been hectic. I taught Ran how to play Silent Hill, I trekked through deer poop for an hour, and I spent another wrestling with the butter churner Granny insists we use. Did you know that if you go too fast the entire thing explodes?"

"Oh, ew you pervert. Not like that."

"Where am I? Dozing on a haystack with Shikamaru. He's too damn lazy to walk back to the house and get in bed, so I'm practically sitting on him. I bet a hurricane could swoop us both up and send us to the Land of Oz and he'd be asleep throughout the entire thing. I'd have to get the Tinman, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion all by myself, dragging his useless ass across the yellow brick road like some scrawny, unmotivated Toto."

"You? Well, you'd be a scrawny, incredibly die-hard Toto. You'd take those ruby slippers and strut your pale white ass right up to the Wizard and threaten him with your x-acto knife until he sends us home. You'd probably use the Tinman for scrap and set the Scarecrow on fire stuffed with fireworks, and if you didn't shave the Cowardly Lion for a fur pelt I bet you'd give him to your little cousin Hanabi for her birthday. You'd be an awesome Toto."

"Yeah, it really is peaceful in the countryside. I wish you weren't such a stick in the mud and come with Shika and I sometime. Even Lee - hell, even _Ino_ - has agreed to go with us at least once. There's just something about watching the clouds, knowing that all of your materialistic possessions and obligations don't mean jack right now."

"Pfft, of fucking course I'm still coming back. I got a dance rehearsal in five days, and you totally owe me some orange chicken, if not sesame dumplings."

"... oh, you have to go? Well that's cool. Oh... you're painting Sakura again? ... She really is beautiful, isn't she? I can't think of anyone better except maybe Ino or Hinata... yeah, you better make sure she's a deity, got it? I better wake Shika up now. Bet I could break his ribs with my ass... okay... bye. Talk to you later..."

Click

"Fucking Haruno..."

_Ring Ring Ring! (6: 34 p.m.)_

"Yo, Jedi Prodigy. Got the force flowing within you yet?"

"... why are you calling me as you're painting Sakura?"

"Bored? _Bored?_ Do you know what I'm doing? I'm created an ant civilization in Granny's backyard. That is how bored I am."

"... Actually, it's pretty neat. I took about fifty ants and box them in a plexiglass cage approximately five feet tall by five feet wide, where they must survive with the limited resources. Already they seem to have realized their predicament, and have assumed their Queen deceased or something. They've begun grouping into four factions, of which have all been named after the four great Khanates created by Genghis Khan's four sons."

"Holy shit, I think the Golden Horde just began attacking the Great Khan! This means war!"

"Now Chaghadai and the Persian Khanates are teaming up and pooling the breadcrumbs I'm laid out around them. This would have been a good idea if not for Chaghadai secretly funneling the Persian's breadcrumbs over to the Golden Horde. How will the they react to such a betrayal?"

"Fuck, this is better than my soap operas and your anime marathons."

"Yes, Neji. A lot of things are better than your anime marathons."

"Shouldn't you be painting Sakura? I think she's yelling at you. That, or a goose was let loose in your studio. Heh."

"Yeah, yeah, go paint those goddamn tertiary colors and stop bitching. I'll be sure to keep you updated on what happens."_  
_

_Ring Ring Ring! (8: 22 p.m.)_

"Thanks, you called right as I was about to take a shower. Pants are already off and everything."

"Yeah, yeah laugh it up... So, how was painting Sakura?"

"Well of course she's going to be skinny, she's obsessed with that vegetarian diet Ino's been telling me about. It must be such a culture shock not having to paint those muffin tops, huh?"

"I bet you saved a shitton of money on paint too, don't have to fill in all these rolls. Ino's also told me that my ass was voted most likely to smash a Nokia phone into pieces. I mean, should I take that as a compliment or an insult?"

"Nah, I think it'd be an insult, Nej. Remember that time I got stuck in Kiba's doggy door? _That_ was embarrassing. I mean, even Chouji could get through by sucking in his gut, but you practically shoved your foot up my ass trying to push me through. By the way, I'm still mad at you for that whole 'let's sleep in the tiniest nook in the forest' thing. My rump was sore for a week, and everyone thought I had a weird fetish for being spanked."

"Okay I will forgive you if you promise to eat something today. Don't lie to me, I can _hear_ your gastric juices crying out in despair. They are caterwauling for sustenance, which you are too dense to realize. What if you had a child? Will you let them cry for days on end when they were hungry?"

"What do you mean you'll never have a kid? You love those little trolls to shit. If you had it your way you'd adopt every single one of those boogers."

"You're waiting for the right wife? Nej, Nej, Nej, your wife is practically your oil paints. Just stick a ring on them in one of those drive-through marriage places in the South and you can go drive off with as many hungry African American children as you want."

"Fine. Don't marry paint. Fall in love with some sweet, sensible woman like a normal person. Or man."

"I'm joking. Don't get your goddamn thong in a twist."

"... that is also a joke because I am the one wearing the thong."

"Fine, be a prude. I won't tell you what color it is either - it's maroon. HAH. I wish I could see your face right now."

"Yeah I should go shower. You have fun waiting for that 'special someone', but keep waiting and she'll speed right past you faster than a blitzkrieg."

_Ring Ring Ring! (11: 59 p.m.)_

"YAWN. Nej, I'm actually about to go to bed at a reasonable time. What is it?"

"I'd love to go see that movie with you. But that's the day Shika and I were going to see the same movie. He recommended it to me a while back... Augh, I'm tired."

"We can all go, the three of us. How's that?"

"... Oh, you suddenly have an extra painting session with Sakura? That's fine too. Send her my... yawn... sleepy..."

"Bye Nej. Sleep well."

"Love you."

Click.

* * *

**Note: I barely spell-checked any of this if you see something wrong please inform me. P.S. Several of the line breaks are really just song lyrics. I got lazy. Brownie Points if you find out which songs they are.**


	3. Lovesick Workaholics are Hilarious

**Nerd fight**:

A nerd fight is commonly described as a rather pathetic scuffle between two nerds, both classified as pale, thin, and bony. Usually they argue over inane things like World of Warcraft or how hot Leia and her gold bikini are. Or they could be talking about things not sci-fi related, but this is rarely the case.

Now is one of those cases.

"UCHIHA!" Neji stomped towards the dark-haired underclassman with as much intimidation is his 6-foot 7-inch lamppost-like frame could muster. Lividly he towered over the other, uncaring of Naruto's raucous snort on how screwed Sasuke was and Sakura's annoying little gasp beside him.

Coolly Sasuke snapped close the sleek black mobile that had been pressed to his ear. "'How's it going Tall, Dark, and Anemic?" Neji reached for his phone, but Sasuke pulled it out of the way, a smirk worming its way up onto his handsome face. "What's your problem? Frustrated you can't beat the last level of Super Meatball Boy?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow in amusement as Neji fumed.

"I beat that game in middle school," the Hyuuga snorted, holding out his hand demandingly and rising to his full height. "Now give me back my phone. I don't know how you got it or who you were calling, but it is against the law to steal. Or," at this Neji did his own arrogant sneer, "are you trying to get into the thieves' guild in Skyrim?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Oh, get shot in the knee why don't you?" he quipped as he batted Hyuuga's lanky arm out of the way. "Remember during lunch you threw something at moron over here for being a loudmouth; well guess what smartypants, that was your phone. Not my fault you can't control your temper." At that Naruto gave a loud hoot, which was smothered by Neji's impressive glare. Veins seemed to be bulging from around his eyes, the infamous 'Hyuuga gaze' that made them seem really creepy and absolute pricks to work with. Only Tenten seemed to be immune to its penetrating properties... speaking of which...

"You dialed Tenten." Naturally, since Neji had been calling her the whole day, worming her into his schedule at all costs. The last call had really gotten on his nerves though, and he had to cool down. Thinking back on it, Neji deduced that he really should have reeled in his emotions than throw the nearest object at Naruto's insanely wide, blathering face-hole.

Sasuke's smirk got all the more wider as he saw Neji scowl deeply. "The short Chinese girl with the big butt?" Sakura gave Sasuke an incredulous look as Naruto guffawed openly. Neji's angry expression did not change. In fact, it might have gotten worse. But it's hard to tell with Neji, whose expressions range strictly between bored, sardonic pleasure, anger, and creatively constipated. "She was yelling to her granny. Sakura told me she and Shikamaru were in the country this week to help out on a farm or something. Didn't think those two would be a thing, you know? But maybe Shikamaru's into the bigger girls rather than twigs like Ino and Temari?" Sasuke shrugged uncaringly whilst completely aware of Neji's rage boiling the air.

"Give. Me. The. Phone."

The petulant Uchiha shook his head, and to his surprise Neji lunged for him, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and reaching for the phone. Sakura yelled as Naruto's eyes widened, but Sasuke got past his momentary bout of confusion to keep the phone out of range. "Nope, first you have to beat me as Mario Kart," Sasuke said cheekily. "And maybe get down on your knees and kiss my ass."

It proceeded from there, right in the courtyard during passing period, where Sasuke and Neji began to 'brawl'.

Sadly, neither were part of a sport nor of any real muscle strength (with those skinny white arms? Puhleeze) and thus it ended up looking like two wet noodles slapping each other with their wiggly appendages. The group of students that had bothered to find if any real harm would be happening were disappointed to find the two scrawny boys wrestling on the floor and spouting out internet phrases and video game references to one another until Neji found enough sense to stop pulling Sasuke by the ear and wrench back his phone.

He quickly ran off post-haste, using his incredibly long legs to his advantage. Behind him Naruto was laughing his ass off at the ridiculous confrontation as Sakura was looking over Sasuke like a worried hen.

"Next time Hyuuga loses his phone, I'm calling his girlfriend and telling her he ditched her for Zelda!" the lone Uchiha vowed darkly, then pushed Sakura away as she tried to place a band-aid on his cheek. "I was fighting Hyuuga, not attacked by some homicidal pitbull."

**And that is how you have a nerd fight. Anymore questions?**

Of course he wasn't stalking Tenten.

"Neji, why are we stalking Tenten?"

Goddammit.

Turning around to shush the black hole one would call Lee's mouth, Neji craned his head around to make sure they couldn't be seen by a certain bun-haired girl. "She invited me to the movies. I think I have a right to go see them with her." Neji intelligently left out the part of Shikamaru being there.

Lee scratched the back of his head. "But you told me that you declined that request because Shikamaru was going to be there too. You even said you had to paint Sakura! Neji, are you a _liar?_" Lee was gaping at him as if he had just confessed incestuous feelings for his uncle. Neji bristled.

"Shut up. It doesn't matter because I am going to make sure Shikamaru keeps his lazy hands off her and I am going to do it at a distance that may seem stalker-_ish_ but is in no way stalker-_like_," Neji whispered gruffly as he dragged Lee to the ticket booth and bought them seats. To his chagrin, only now did Neji realize that the movie Tenten was going to was some romance/comedy every girlfriend in the city was forcing their boyfriend to see. And she was taking with Shikamaru.

"I've seen that movie in commercials! I _love_ the lead actor, he has such nice cheekbones compared to the female lead!" Lee exclaimed, bouncing on the balls of his feet as the ticket lady gave the duo a rather peculiar expression. Neji herded his roommate as quickly as he could to the snack stand.

"Buy whatever you want, just make sure you mouth is too full to say a single word that might blow our cover," Neji said as he pushed some money from his pocket into Lee's hand before turning away. "I'm going to get a seat. And if you barge in calling my name, I will _eat_ your decrepit, flaky turtle." Lee rapidly shook his head, his shiny black mop of hair bouncing around like a large mushroom cap. Satisfied at that reaction, Neji left the other to go find Tenten.

He walked into the theatre, taking time for his sight to adjust to the dimmed lights, before scouring the area. Unsurprisingly, it didn't take long to find two familiar heads, one with buns and another with a spiked ponytail. They were sitting in the middle, obtained the best seats to view the movie and coincidentally the best seats to be spied upon at all angles (not that Neji was _stalking_ them or anything).

Neji sat behind the duo several rows away so he could easily estimate the distance between both of their silhouettes without being detected. It was a good five inches too close for his liking, especially when they were sharing a bag of popcorn.

After ten minutes of mindless previews and the lights turned off so the patrons could enjoy the movie (what was it called again? "Stab me in the Heart with a Fucking X-acto Knife"?) Lee plopped down beside Neji. Well, Neji assumed it was Lee, but he couldn't tell because the green-loving youth was holding so many bags of popcorn, candy, and soda it appeared to literally be a wall of carbohydrates.

Neji quickly checked his pockets and found out belatedly that he had just let Lee buy fifty dollars worth of junk food. As if fate was mocking him, one of Lee's arms stretched out from the mass of crap he had bought and gingerly deposited nineteen cents into his general direction. Neji let the coins (a rusted dime, a century-old nickel, and four moldy pennies to be exact) clatter to the floor as he tried to smother his face into his palm at his own stupidity. It was no wonder they had to eat Chinese take-out every week.

When Lee passed him some popcorn, Neji felt like swatting it to the floor. Not because his roommate was handing him a heart attack in an ugly white and yellow-striped bag, but because Lee had the audacity to think that Neji was ever going to give him money for food again. The Hyuuga seethed in the dark theatre as the movie _finally_ began to start. He wasn't paying attention though as he scrutinized Shikamaru and Tenten throughout the entire film.

All seemed to be going well actually. From what Neji saw, it was two friends hanging out with a sappy chick-flick. He and Tenten did that all the time last summer, especially when Lee went to acting camp (though he was sent home two weeks earlier because he tried hoard all of the shampoo). Neji sighed and let himself relax at that satisfying fact, but then cringed at the reality of it. He and Tenten will never be more than just best friends. Tenten wasn't interested and Neji didn't have the guts to try and make a move. Neji was a smart kid; he had analyzed all of the signs and made up logical conclusions for each one.

In the beginning he had thought she had a crush on him, but he was too busy with making a name for himself in the artist community that he refused any distractions (though a certain sexy one that resembled a milk chocolate panda liked to pop up in his dreams from time to time). When he found out how much he depended on his friend emotionally, her admiration had simmered down and he wasn't sure anymore.

From what he could tell Tenten was concerned for him, especially when he forgets to eat or sleep or any of that mortal business Neji believed he was above, but she does that for Lee as well (if not five times more). She went to every one of his gallery openings and made him seem less of an antisocial jackass when others were around, cheering him on in even his biggest art blocks and staying up with him late at night just so he could finish a painting. For as long as Neji knew her, Tenten had always been by his side. To have her claimed by someone else - be it male, female, dog, alien, or 2D anime character - made the frostbitten clump of lead people called Neji's heart to tighten painfully.

Tenten had never expressed a big interest in dating, leading Neji to believe she was as work-oriented as he was or that she was asexual. Or, she was a lesbian, which Neji still had doubts about due to her rather... intense rivalry with a woman named Temari from their old high school. The two met on different women's basketball teams and a fierce hatred ignited their passions, ultimately leading to many rumors of angry hate sex behind the gymnasium at night that only died down when people thought Shikamaru and Temari were a couple. With nothing coming to pass for either scenario, it was dropped like all childish high school priorities. Other than that, Neji had never seen Tenten pursue a romantic relationship.

Well, she did say she'd give her virginity to some freak-show named Deidara, but he was in an entirely different continent and Neji would sell his soul for it to stay that way.

Sighing dejectedly, Neji stopped watching the two lovestruck teenagers in the movie having sloppy making out to check on Shikamaru and Tenten...

Only to see their faces pressed so close to each other one would swear they were making out.

**Her body, her mind, her heart. Zero out of three ain't bad, right?... Right?**

"Shikamaru, you smell like a burnt wedding cake made out of gasoline and rabbit piss from those nasty cigarettes you keep breathing. Get out of my face," Tenten hissed into the Nara's ear as their cheeks were smooshed together uncomfortably when Shikamaru suddenly leant in closely.

Instead of removing his face from hers, Shikamaru merely rolled his eyes. "I heard from Naruto who heard from Sasuke who heard from Lee while he was crying about the ending of the Teletubbies that Neji's painting a really big portrait of Sakura. You jelly?"

Tenten swore profusely under her breath. "Does the five fucking pounds I've gained in the mere two weeks Neji's been on this project count as jelly to you? If so, then I am the world's largest fucking jelly-filled doughnut in existence, double-stuffed with jelly so intense you could be suffocated by my rage. I am topped with the delicious, sugary powder of envy and coated in sprinkles made of resentment. My grape-filling is so full of enmity it gushes out of both sides in rivets of sickeningly gooey malice. _Yes I am jelly, are you fucking happy yet?_" Shikamaru made a face at her description.

"You could have just said yes," he drawled. "So I'm guessing Neji's moving on in his career, leaving you feeling abandoned, lonesome, and overweight?"

Sighing somberly, Tenten nodded as she sunk down in her seat. The movie on the big screen no longer interested her. "He said it was a commission by her father, but why else would he do it? Neji's never cared about the money, he's obviously doing it to impress her. And who wouldn't be? He's one of the best artists in the city and he hasn't even learned how to parallel park yet. Heads spin when he enters the room, girls swoon when he bends over, and even Lee's turtle is sexually attracted to him! He and Sakura both share the same headstrong qualities he'd be a dumbass for _not_ fathering her illegitimate children! Ugh! Fucking Sakura and her goddamn size three waist!" Tenten curled up, hiding her face in her knees as she ignored the surprised from the people around them.

Shikamaru calmly patted her on the back as she vented. "Don't beat yourself up too hard on this. Your own self-esteem issues are bleeding into your perceptions on what is really happening. Who knows, maybe Neji likes whales." Tenten groaned like a dying animal. "I didn't mean that, you know. I simply brought the whole thing up anyways because this entire Sakura debacle is giving you some serious depression issues. I'm telling you to do something about it before it gets a hold of you. Because I care - and because it'd be too troublesome to manage the farm if you died of a broken heart."

"Like what?" came Tenten's muffled question.

"I don't know. Why not have sex with him?"

"Asshole!"

The Nara couldn't help but smirk a bit. "Think about it. Neji means screw in Japanese, right? Screw? Neji? Ha. Also, sex releases dopamine. It really would make him happy if he got laid. Doubt he even knows what his testicles are for anymore."

"I am so done with this this," Tenten said, getting up all of a sudden. "This movie sucks anyways. Also, if you ever have to borrow five dollars again then think back to this conversation and realize the answer will forever be no." Disgruntled, the brunette girl left as quickly as possible.

Shikamaru relaxed leisurely over the seat Tenten had occupied, stretching out between both of them with his arms over the backs and his legs spread apart as if he was a king. "That was _way_ too easy," he concluded to himself as he saw from the side of his peripheral vision a reedy figure shoot up from its spot only five rows behind and follow Tenten out of the theatre.

Neji really needed to work on his stalking skills.

**I am running out of words to describe how thin Neji is**

Cereal for dinner at 2 in the morning?

A o-fucking-kay.

Tenten could feel her eyelids sliding closed as she drowsily attempted to pour the milk into the plastic red bowl without it spilled too much. When she had gotten home, uncaring that she had left Shikamaru stranded at the movies because they had both taken her car, Tenten went straight to her room and locked the door. She needed privacy and Beethoven. The only reason she was awake was due to her increasing hunger from not eating anything the whole day besides a bag of greasy popcorn. Neji might like to starve himself like insecure high school anorexics but Tenten appreciated food and it appreciated her back.

"I forgot the fucking cereal."

She smacked herself on the forehead as she stared down at the bowl full of milk. Why was she was so pathetic?

After checking the cupboards, Tenten found that they had no cereal whatsoever. All that was left of it was a note from Lee saying that he had taken their three boxes of Ninja-O's to a drama-party at Naruto's apartment. There will be no cereal for Tenten that night.

"I could make you something to eat if you want." Tenten looked over to see Neji opening the door to his room. She didn't know what he had been doing the entire day, considering he wasn't slathered in paint for once. Maybe he was with Sakura.

Feeling her chest contract, Tenten returned her gaze to her bowl of milk. "It's alright. I can find something myself. Go back to sleep..." She waited for him to shrug and leave, but instead he began to walk over and inspected her 'dinner'.

Arching an eyebrow Neji said, "I think you're the one who needs some sleep. You were out pretty late... watching that movie with Shikamaru." Something in his voice strained at the end, but Tenten was too busy trying keep her vision from blurring to figure it out.

"That movie sucks and Shikamaru sucks and you need to stop being a virgin like right now," she grumbled as she began to look for a funnel to pour the milk back into its carton. If she simply poured it down the drain they wouldn't have milk for the entire week.

Neji remained silent as he watched his roommate open drawers and cabinets, hair completely tangled and wearing only a tank top and boy shorts. From the way her brow was slightly crinkled, she was distressed about something.

"So I'm guessing Shikamaru did something to upset you?" he inquired with forced nonchalance. A kiss, perhaps?

"I think the countryside has turned the inside of his head into one giant deer turd," Tenten huffed, closing the last of the cabinets and still no goddamn funnel. "Or I'm the grumpy one because I haven't eaten a single good fucking thing this whole day. I don't get how you do it Nej, my stomach is about to swallow my internal organs if I don't appease it with nourishment soon."

She heard a soft chuckle, somehow closer to her than she would have guessed. "I think we have enough materials to make something. How do pancakes sound to you?"

Skeptically she looked at him, her heart fluttering at the expression he was giving her. If she was delusional enough (and she was, partially) she would have assumed his visage was a mix of relief, adoration, and shyness only someone like Neji could pull off without dropping his 'better-than-you' personality. "You can cook?"

He shrugged, opening the fridge and searching for the pre-made pancake batter. "I had to find a way to feed Lee when you were gone. Plus, you like pancakes." Neji placed the bowl of batter onto the nearby counter, putting the milk in its place instead. "You go lay on the couch. If you can fall asleep before I'm done making them, I'll take you out to eat in the morning. We don't have classes, right?"

Tenten stared at Neji as he maneuvered around their small kitchen. Now it was him pulling out the frying pan as she watched, a bit surprised at how generous he was being. Neji only made pancakes when he had overworked her, a small apology for making her pose for him at extended periods of time. Never had he straight-up offered them as anything else. As if pulled by her heart and not her stomach, Tenten deposited herself onto the lumpy couch in the connected living room and listened to the sound of the stove being turned on.

She could have gone to sleep, which was pulling incessantly like a whiny two-year-old. If she only closed her eyes she could be drifting across dreamland, but she didn't want Neji's efforts to go to waste, and so she sat still on the sofa for the entire fifteen minutes it took Neji to make dinner. When he came back over to her, his eyes widened a bit as if he had expected her to fall asleep the second she sat down. Tenten bashfully outstretched her arms for the plate, shaking Neji out of his confused state as he handed it to her.

A bit timidly he spoke, "It's a little hot since it's right off the - " Tenten interrupted him by picking up the pancake, folding it in half like a taco, and taking a large bite out of it. She chewed, noticing that there was egg shells in it. It was a lot better than last time though, when Neji mistook black beans for the chocolate chips.

Smiling blearily at Neji's flabbergasted face, Tenten pulled him onto the couch with her as she devoured another part of her pancake. "It's delicious," she said as she boldly leaned her head on his shoulder. Something about being exhausted, as well as Shikamaru's words spinning around in her head, was making Tenten uncharacteristically courageous.

"I'm glad you like it," her white-eyed roommate replied after a tense few moments, his body slackening as he let Tenten get crumbs all over his shorts. She consumed the pancake within four to five more bites, which Neji was not exactly counting as much as he was gazing unblinkingly at her face. Her mocha eyes were half-lidded and unfocused, leaving him to believe she was completely out of her mind when she set the plate on the floor and wrapped her arms around his midsection, pushing her weight forward to make him lay down on the couch with her on top. "Tenten, what are you doing?" His voice became dry, entire body going rigid like a board.

For Tenten, she only squeezed him harder and rested her head underneath his chin. "I'm going to bed like you said I should," she slurred, completely content with her belly full of food and her arms full of Neji. "What better way to go to bed than to fell like you're mine?" she giggled as she finally closed her eyes and slipping off into rest immediately.

Neji stayed wide awake for a while afterwords, trying to decipher her words. Her hold on him had loosened when she fell asleep, but Neji was having difficulty finding a reason to leave her.

Instead, he closed his eyes and held her closer to him, pretending that she was his as well.

* * *

**A/N: Most people stereotype college as that time where no one gets any sleep. I'm going with that.  
****I know I am a bit confusing with my sentences because it is hard to review your work unless from an outside source, so tell me if anything sounds weird.**

**Also, I don't want this to be a long-multi fic so I'll find a way to wrap this up within two-three more chapters.**


	4. Downhill

Like all good Tuesday mornings, Tenten is awoken by her other roommate Lee walking into their shared dorm room. He is dressed in only his ridiculously green boxers and bits of Ninja-O's suspiciously glued to parts of his body. Glitter is sprinkling off from his spiky gelled hair as a plastic gold chain hangs from his neck with the word 'thuglife' attached to it.

Getting up from her remarkably warm couch, Tenten pulled a hand through her mussed hair as she beholds this charming new sight. With the giggling and twitching he is doing, the shit-eating grin on his face, and eyes obscured by hot pink grill sunglasses, Tenten deduces that Lee had sipped something alcoholic while he was out last night - no doubt the idiotic Uzumaki's doing. As well, the police warning for disturbing the peace Lee is waving around proudly is also a good indication of his intoxication.

Pinching the bridge of her nose irritably, Tenten sleepily herds Lee over into his room where she ensconces him in his green quilts and surrounds him with all of his stuffed turtle plushes. Lee passes out immediately, giving Tenten time to get ready and leave the building before he wakes up and unduly laments about how unyouthful he has been. She knows from experience how awkward that is, as Lee has been known to cry into her and Neji's shoulders - whether they are properly clothed or not - and weep deeply as snot dribbles from his nose.

She slips into her room, her head fogged over about the details of last night. She decides a shower will help her remember, as well as freshen up as she decides to go to the studio and dance a little despite having no lessons that day. She also takes some painkillers, swallowing the last two pills and deciding to buy more later. Within ten minutes Tenten's hair is back in their immaculate buns and she is dressed in new clothes and sneakers, her duffel bag slung over her shoulder as she exits the room ready for a new day. She does not even glance back but she has a feeling she is forgetting something important.

...

Neji wakes up alone covered in pancake crumbs. There is glitter and cereal all over his pristine carpeted floor and he feels as if a polar bear had been using his diaphragm as a pillow.

He tries not to cry about it.

**Welcome to Candyland, douchenozzle**

"Hey Tenten!" Ino called to her from down the school hallways, right as Tenten stumbled out of the girl's changing rooms, Hinata waving shyly next to her. Her muscles were spasming and her skin was still wet from sticking her head in the sink to cool off. She could barely stand, let alone muster up the strength to turn around and greet the owner of the enthusiastic voice. The blond rushed over to give her a bear hug, considering that she and Tenten lived in entirely separate departments and barely see each other, but Hinata thankfully grabbed hold of the back of Ino's blouse and stopped her before she could barrel into the brunette.

Giving the shy girl a grateful smile, Tenten asked curiously, "What is it Ino?" Despite their contrasting personalities, Ino and Tenten were very good friends. The Yamanaka girl was very mature and responsible for her age, even though she was a tad too materialistic and peppy for Tenten's tastes.

"Okay!" Ino exclaimed, clasping her hands together excitedly. "Sakura's having this party at her house to celebrate some giant-ass painting her father bought her and you're invited! Think about it, Tenten! Sakura really idolizes you, you have to come!" Hinata and Tenten exchanged looks, one pair of brown eyes annoyed while the other pair of milky white pearls hopeful and apologetic.

"I don't think Sakura looks up to me _that_ much," Tenten mumbled as Ino began to talk about all of the (expensive) foods and services that will be there. They all knew that Neji had made that painting, and he had probably demanded she be invited so he wouldn't be stuck alone wearing a suit and eating handfulls of cake by himself. He could have done that with Hinata, but last time he complained that if Hinata couldn't eat with her bare hands then she didn't deserve to be his sister. (it was a rather awkward dinner for the Hyuugas that night.)

Ever optimistic, Ino flipped her luxuriously long locks lackadaisically with her left hand. "Sure she does! She talks about you all the time, especially about how hard you work! In fact, she's been wanting to talk to you for a while but has been too scared to do so! Doesn't want to bother a pro, she said!"

"Well she must be talking to a mirror then. I gotta go, I scheduled a date with someone and I can't keep them waiting." Tenten hurriedly excused herself from the premises, pulling out her phone and randomly calling whoever's name came up on the contact list. "Hey, meet me at McNinjas in fifteen minutes. We've got a date."

"Who the fuck is this?" came the gruff reply, no doubt having just waken up.

Tenten rolled her eyes. Everyone she knew on her contacts lived in the city, so there was no reasonable excuse to not go out with her. "Get your ass up if you want some onion rings, I'm paying." And with that, she snapped her phone closed with no idea who she had called and not a care in the world about it. All she had was a duffel bag full of sweaty clothes and a weird sensation that she was missing something.

Down the hall Ino yelled out after her, "You have a _date?_"

**McNinjas... that should be a thing. Shuriken chicken nuggets and fries in the shape of kunai. Ketchup anyone?**

It's been twenty minutes and her 'date' had not arrived yet. Tenten was half hoping they would because it looked really lame to be eating at McNinjas all alone. She gave it another five minutes before she finished her ice cream and left.

"You promised onion rings."

Tenten was surprised at whom she had called, even more so that they showed up. It wasn't everyday you see antisocial rich boy Sasuke Uchiha eating at McNinjas.

"Yeah, yeah. Here's fifteen bucks, don't choke on the way back." Sasuke accepted the money and went to order his food, leaving Tenten to return to her thoughts.

She and Sasuke weren't by any means 'friends' but they got along well despite being different ages, in different art departments, and in different social groups. The only reason she had Sasuke's phone number anyways was some complicated emergency backup plan Lee and Naruto had conceived should a zombie apocalypse start up. It basically accumulated to eating Kiba's pet dog and holing up in the Uchiha basement for forty-six years or until a ANBU team arrives. Kiba had obviously been the least enthusiastic of the whole idea...

Sasuke plopped down on the seat across from her, looking rather satisfied with the seven cartons of large onion rings in his arms. He handed Tenten twenty-eight cents and began munching on his ring-shaped cardiac arrests. Tenten went back to her ice cream, wondering how much hair products Sasuke used to keep the back of his head so pointed like that.

"You own a mirror, right?" The Uchiha didn't even bother looking up from his beloved food as he continued shoving rings down his throat.

"Twenty," he said somewhat smugly, despite looking like a chipmunk with his cheeks so stuffed. Tenten analyzed him slightly, noticing how un-rich he actually looked when he wasn't wearing highclass clothes and hiding behind designer shades. He was in just a t-shirt and skinny jeans, ruffled hair resembling fowl fanny, and getting grease all over his slim fingers. How many people see an uprising star in the art community appear so... basic?

Tenten wondered if Sasuke didn't even consider her pretty enough to dress up for, but shrugged it off to chuckle when she watched the ever-so clean young man slurp up his onion ring like it was spaghetti. "What's so funny?" he mumbled, licking his lips of the salt.

Not even bothering to hide it behind her hand (it was far too _dainty_ for her, though Neji does that all the time) Tenten said merrily, "You. You are by far the must unexpected date I ever had."

Sasuke made a very ungentlemanly noise in the back of his throat. "And you are the worst date _I've_ ever had. McNinjas? Even my poorest date could afford something better."

The brunette didn't bother thinking up of a witty retort to that. "I had to get out of Ino goading me into Sakura's party, and saying I had a date was the easiest thing to do for someone like Ino. I would have taken anyone, even Shino's ant farm, if I had dialed him. You just happened to be to be lucky number one, as always Mr. Uchiha." She threw him a grin, which he returned with his own pretentious version of.

"There's just a few things wrong with that though," he said, wiping his fingers with one of the thin napkins on the table. Tenten's eyes narrowed at his haughty contenance; this didn't sound good for her. "One, you just told Ino you were going on a _date_. I may not know much about you, but I know that your rear end has been voted most likely to be seen from space and that you are second most likely to die alone - right under Hyuuga. You being on a date is like Naruto turning down a free bowl of ramen from Ichiraku. She's going to spread the news faster than Rock Lee on a sugar-induced Monty Python Marathon."

Inwardly Tenten groaned at the realization, the lightning bolt of consequence striking through her. She just wanted to get out of Sakura's party so bad she used the easiest lie she could think of. Who knew it would come back to bite her on her fat ass so quickly?

As if seeing the girl's distress was inversely proportional to Sasuke's happiness, the dark-haired male continued on with a self-satisfied expression on his flawless face. "What more, you are on a date with me, _Sasuke Uchiha_. Notice how the air had just stilled with the mere saying of my name's first syllable? That is how important I am. You're going on a date with THE _Sasuke Uchiha_. 'Why am I referring to myself in third-person' you must be wondering? I just love saying it; it has a certain ring to it. _Sasuke Uchiha_." Stars seemed to literally be floating in the air around Sasuke as he beheld the enormity of his own ego. Tenten watched in disbelief, almost as if the background had dimmed so that a spotlight could be shined down upon Sasuke's scrawny body.

"No wonder your brother leaves for long periods of time. You are insufferable," she whispered to herself as the world seemed to go back to normal. Sasuke, not hearing her, merely took another munch of his onion rings. With a huff, Tenten considered leaving right away so that no one would find her eating with (THE) _Sasuke Uchiha_. But, knowing how much Lady Fate adored her and all of her love handles, right as Tenten sat up she saw Ino and Sakura entering McNinjas.

It was no surprise that Sakura was head over heels infatuated with her roommate, despite strict student code forbidding roommate-relationships (and hence why Tenten hadn't jumped Neji's bones months ago), and so Tenten watched in slow-motion as the beautiful Haruno's face twisted into shock, understanding, grief, and then anger unlike any other she had ever witnessed. It burned hotter than the rage Neji had against an upperclassman named Kidomaru, who psychologically bullied him all throughout middle school. The molten lava within Sakura's twin emerald orbs was so intense Tenten felt herself break out into a cold sweat and her flight-or-fight response immediately telling her to run, run, _run the fuck away__ right now_.

Adrenaline erupted through her system and Tenten booked it as soon as she saw smoke erupt from the younger girl's nostrils. "He really likes onion rings!" she shouted as she swept by, swearing profusely as she sprinted for her life. Knowing how strong the other girl could punch, Tenten really did feel as if her life was in danger.

A scream much like a pterodactyl caterwauling was heard, causing Tenten to jump in astonishment at the ferocity and trip over her own two feet. She stumbled, scrapping both her knees on the road, and scrambled to get back up. Pulling her phone out of her duffel bag that she thankfully didn't leave behind, Tenten called the only person who might be able to forge her illegal passports to across the country.

"Shikamaru! This is Tenten! Red alert, motherfucker! Are you listening?" she kept throwing out abusive and offensive words about Shikamaru's weak physical build and sexual attraction to his own deer until she heard the loud beep and a sleepy 'what?'. "Shika, I just fucking stepped on the lion's tail! Do you undertand me? The shit has hit the fan! My ass is deep fried! The fish that flies upstream blind is skewered first! He who smealt it, dealt it! The bitches doth protest too damn much, methinks!"

It took a bit of explaining and ramblings about many nonsensical idioms until Tenten finally began to slow down and properly word the situation. She made her way to Shikamaru's house sluggishly, her poor amygdala, having been so stressed out from overdosing on fear, seemed to have worked itself into a coma as the adrenaline wore off and she was practically limping.

Her day couldn't have gotten any worse at that moment, with the knowledge that Sakura Haruno was out for her blood and the nagging feeling that she had seriously forgotten something from that morning, until a familiar ringtone played. It was Neji's.

"Tenten, did you leave me with Lee?" it wasn't a question and it wasn't his happy voice. His words were passive, almost softly, but you could easily tell he was a tidal wave just ready to come crashing down.

She scrambled for words, excuses, lies, _anything _to appease her roommate's mood. The nagging feeling she had all day finally became so obvious she wanted to grand jeté off a cliff for her idiocy. _Never_ leave Neji alone with a hungover Lee. Birds dropped dead mid-flight, rivers dry up into deserts, and the earth splits into never-ending abysses.

Usually both she and Neji would leave to let Lee get over himself, but she had not anticipated that Neji would still be in the danger-zone when the bowlcut-haired young man woke up. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"I am _so_ sorry Neji, I-" he cut her off with a low, penetrating growl.

"No you are not. You are never sorry for anything you have ever done and I do not expect you to begin now. Do you want me to tell you what has transpired during your little _date_ with Uchiha?" At that Tenten couldn't help but wince. He _knew_. Ino must have texted him the second she fled. "_Do you_?"

It wouldn't make a different either way. Taking a deep breath, having to lean against a nearby lamppost to support her bleeding knees, Tenten asked quietly, "What happened?"

And then the metaphorical dam burst apart.

When Neji is genuinely mad at someone, he does not swear, he does not raise his voice, and he does not take walks to cool himself down. He speaks sternly, icy cold words ripping apart a person with just his tone of voice. Tenten braced herself as best she could, but it still felt like he was beating her heart in with a hammer as he began ranting.

"I was cleaning up the mess _you_ left behind, too busy to go parading with your new date I suppose, when Lee burst into the room in only his boxers and hair full of sparkles. He would not stop crying. He would not stop rubbing snot on my face. He would not put any clothes on. I let him use me as an extra-absorbent hanky for two hours before his headache was killing him so badly he was moaning into my feet - I mean literally moaning into my feet because he would not let go of my ankles. Then - _then_, Tenten are you listening to me? - I realized there was no painkillers because you had taken the last and forgotten to buy more despite it being _your responsibility_ in case an incident like this happened. I had to bring Lee with me to get more, and all he was able to wear was his oversized lime-colored raincoat.

We spent another hour because Lee couldn't chose with medication he wanted. One made him see fuzzy ponies from his dreams. One was orange-flavored. _One had a picture of a bee on it and he was afraid_. Throughout the entire time I was in line, he was talking to a little child. I don't know what he said, but the kid freaked out and we were expelled from the store without the painkillers. On the car ride back Lee kept whispering sonnets to my belly button because he couldn't see straight anymore. Do you know what having a half-naked man talking to your navel does to a person, Tenten? It reminds them of their impulsive, _selfish_ roommate ditching them after covering them in disgusting pancake crumbs because she can't even keep it in her mouth properly. I actually had taken what you said to me that night to heart - I thought you meant something in those words. But as soon as I woke up, I was alone and ditched for Uchiha. I don't want you coming back to the dorm today. I just don't feel like I can see you without spitting into my paints. Even the thought of knowing you are on the end of this phone call is like a stab to my drawing hand. You can crash with Sasuke, or even _Shikamaru_, but I can't deal with your childishness right now. I'll be at the studio putting on the finishing touches to Sakura's painting. It's the only thing I can think of that might make me feel better. Good day."

The phone slipped from her hand the moment the call ended, hitting the pavement and cracking the screen in half. It was an ugly wound, one large split going diagonally through the glass with many smaller cracks clumped together like a spiderweb. Tenten felt just like that crack at the moment, one final strike that brought together all of the smaller cracks into one big clusterfuck of emotion.

She left her phone there and continued trying to get to Shikamaru's.**  
**

She tried not to cry about it.

**when the guy you love is angry at you and you know it's all your fault...**

"Just let it all out."

"No."

"It'll make you feel better. It's a known fact."

"No."

Shikamaru sighed irritably. "At the very least curse me out. You being so meek and well-mannered is starting to scare me."

Tenten huffed and turned her head to the side. "No." The male brunette rolled his eyes and gave up, continuing to apply disinfectant to the cuts on her legs. He kept eerily silent, working so meticulously that Tenten began to fidget nervously. She decided to speak up, "So who are you going to Sakura's party with? Ino or Temari?"

Trying not to hide the monumental groan, Shikamaru grumbled, "Neither. I'm taking taking my cousin. It'll be too troublesome trying to decide between the two. I considered you, but I don't want to give them impression that there is anything between us. It would be too -"

"Troublesome." Tenten smiled slightly as Shikamaru once again made an annoyed sound, but his stiffness was easing. It wasn't every day the strong, independent girl you've known from the country comes to your apartment with bloody knees, no phone, and about to burst into tears.

Placing a band-aid on Tenten's right knee, now matching her left one, Shikamaru helped her stand up from her seat on the edge of his bathrub and lead her back to his bedroom. She proceeded to limply fall into one of his enormous beanbag chairs, curling up dejectedly.

"So, what happened?" he inquired even though he knew fully well what chain of events might have caused this. Ino was a very fast informer.

Cocoa eyes filling glassy with tears, Tenten ran a hand through her unkempt, sweaty hair as she revisited her conversation with her roommate. "I... Lee got drunk last night, and I've told you what happens afterwards... I went to the studio though and left Neji. I-I thought he'd wake up sooner! But now he's angry - really, _really_ angry, Shika - and he says not to go back to the dorm." She sniffed, swallowing thickly as she tried her damnedest not to shed a single tear. "I don't even want to imagine how he sees me now that everyone thinks I went out with Sasuke. Especially not what Sakura thinks! This is such a mess and I have no fucking clue how to fix it. How can so much shit accumulate in just a few hours?" She gave him a pleading look, once again asking him for the answers.

Shikamaru tapped his digits against his knee, knowing full well that he wasn't a miracle worker. He was already so entrenched in trying to get a job at the country's most well-known newspaper, was caught in some sick love-triangle between two blond women he couldn't help but love both, and trying to support his late-teacher's wife and only son. "I... " he desperately needed a fucking cigarette "I don't know, Tenten. You need to solve this by yourself. You can stay the night though, but I'm going out for a bit."

He could have said a lot of things. He could have given her a life-altering epiphany or some shit that only happens in movies. But this was college, and more importantly, this was real life. He didn't know what to say and he couldn't help her when he had no idea how to help himself at the moment. He didn't know everything...

Mutely, Shikamaru got up and walked out of the room.

* * *

**A/N: personally I think the ending's a little weird, but I didn't want to have Shikamaru explain everything like last time. Plus, he probably has a lot on his plate right now too. Sometimes people try but they just can't give enough - you know the feeling? I already have general ideas of what to do for the remaining chapters but I won't know how long this will continue until I write them down. I realize I am no good with comedy because I always add in stuff to make it more 'realistic' and that just ruins it sometimes but I'm still encouraged enough with this story to continue it than abandon like the others.**

**Anything sounding weird please tell me.**


	5. Stupid Tsunderes

Sometimes life plays out like a movie... except no one's the main character and everything gets fucked up no matter how hard you try to stop it from happening.

As they say, c'est la vie. _Such is life_. Or more colloquially, _life's a bitch_.

Neji made a guttural noise in the back of his throat, something akin to a lion dying alone in the savannah and it was too damn tired to care if vultures had already started to peck away at its flesh. He gazed down at his palette without really seeing it, hand mechanically stirring together a drop of crimson paint with a dapple of white.

_Pink_.

Neji really hated the color pink.

"Pink isn't even a real color," he whined to absolutely no one. His studio was dark save for the single antique lamp he had because he couldn't afford a real light source when he first started painting. It flickered here and there, but Neji never found time to get a new one. "You see any pink in the rainbow?" he chuckled without any humor in his voice. "No, of course not. It's just our brains filling in the space when red transitions to purple. Entirely made up. Like... unicorns." Slouching, Neji took a step back to survey his work with a look of scorn across his face.

Despite it's massive size (eight feet wide by eight feet tall, and nearly an inch thick) Neji had finished the mammoth within two weeks. He looked back on the time he spent, all the afternoons just trying to get it over as quickly as possible so Haruno could leave him in peace. Though Neji couldn't say he hated Sakura as a person, he hated her father, her dumb pink hair and ivory lace dress, and _especially_ this idiotic commission Kakashi had bullied him into.

Unable to look at the beautiful abomination any longer, Neji turned his attention to the rest of his studio. It was a very spacious room; large, with a high roof, but it lacked any windows and the air was two degrees colder no matter what temperature it is outside. There is a heavy wooden table shoved off into the far right, laden with bevies of different papers, paintbrushes, turpentine, kneadable erasers, charcoal, pastels, gouache, spray paint, x-acto knives, rulers, and basically everything else an aspiring artist needed.

Though everything on, underneath, and around the table was arranged meticulously within plastic baskets and otherwise kept extremely orderly, everything else was in complete chaos.

Empty cans, tubes, and random broken equipment were strewn across the stoic concrete floor like a used minefield. Paint streaked along the walls, the floor, the _ceiling_ with wild abandon. Neji couldn't help but focus on some uncooked macaroni superglued to parts of the wall and the ridiculous glow-in-the-dark stars and moons pasted in various areas.

The ends of his lips tugged upwards, but that was all as he finally rested his sights on the furthest corner away from him. That was the _done_ corner. The place he put all of his finished works that he didn't want to sell. None of them were framed or hung up, all neatly perched against the wall like dusty soldiers taking a break. But that wasn't what caused Neji to smile so minutely.

Every single painting was of Tenten.

In the beginning it was other people, expanding upon his abilities with such fervor and speed that he was noticed right away by art critics. But Neji had sold or given away every other painting. He took commissions to pay for his education (his uncle certainly wasn't funding it) and he used them for his portfolio each semester. Yet for those entire two years, twenty-four months, a hundred and four weeks, seven hundred and thirty days, sixty-three million seventy-two thousand seconds,... he kept Tenten.

As if a magnetic force was pulling him, Neji began walking over to the done corner. He hadn't added anything new to it in a month, not since his previous project got cut off, even though he drew frequently in his sketchbook to stave off the dullness. Slowly - tentatively - Neji began to pull out the canvases and line them against the wall from newest to oldest. When he was done and he stood back to face it.

It was Tenten, from the first time he met her to how he saw her now.

In his very first painting, it was so realistic it felt he could have cupped her cheek through the acrylic. It was… eerie how lifeless it was. Ethereally static - it was just a painting of a girl.

Going down the line though, Neji saw the flowering differences. Colors changed from being washed-out and pale to vibrantly saturated hues. There was a light previously not seen within Tenten's eyes, which had begun to be speckled with emeralds, golds, and rubies like a swirling ember. Sometimes her hair had each individual strand painted; sometimes it was suggested with thick corded streaks. Sometimes her hair transformed into bird wings, wrapping around her head protectively as she gazed at the viewer with such self-assuredness you could swear her smirk followed you throughout the room.

His work had _life_ in it. His work had _her_.

Something in him clicked. No, maybe made a loud clang in his heart resembling the sound of a molten hot blade being smashed into shape with a hammer.

Neji surmised that the metaphor fit rather well, but now was not the time for pondering metallurgy. "I need to get her back."

So without a glance back at his painting of Sakura, he turned off his lamp and strode out of the studio.

**like a terrible romance movie**

"I need to either get laid or smoke a lot of marijuana."

"Tenten... neither of those things are happening anytime soon and you know it."

"Yeah, but think about it."

"I don't want to."

"Okay, so don't think. _Believe_."

"Believe in sex and drugs?"

"... well when you put it like that..."

Tenten groaned, rolling around on Shikamaru's beanbag chair. After the crying and snot dripping down her face and eating of all of the good food in the fridge, Tenten had called the only person she thought might be remotely helpful - using Shikamaru's home phone of course; hers was still smashed on the sidewalk.

"Okay, so what am I supposed to do Hinata? Your bro tossed me out of the apartment like a bad puppy. Lee's probably wrestling with his blankets hallucinating they're trying to eat him. Sakura and Ino think I'm boning Sasuke. Sasuke himself is a greasy, unmotivated sack of flesh full of onion rings. And Shikamaru's going to Choji's to smoke himself into a grave." Tenten took a long moment to reflect on the people she called friends. "Hinata, we are seriously fucked up."

**On the other side of the phone line**

Hinata turned gaze to the bathroom, where her two roommates were buck-naked and trying to clean their dog Akamaru. Only, Kiba was drowning in the tub and Shino was performing a ritualistic sacrifice dance in the mirror as hordes of ladybugs swarmed around the room. The dog in particular was sleeping by her feet at the bed, dry and still covered in her unused sanitary pads no one could get off for some reason.

**Back to Tenten**

"I think my life is pretty average," Hinata told her.

Tenten flipped over onto her back, letting her bangs obey gravity. "Aren't you the special one. Sorry it doesn't run in the family, since the rest of you Hyuuga's are balls up the walls in lunacy."

A giggle.

A sigh. "But seriously, what am I supposed to _do_? I feel like such a bad friend, not to mention a bad friend with a nasty longtime crush. I should have thought this through instead of leaving Neji asleep on the couch. I spilled a secret to him and then I just _run_ like the cowardly lion, except when I defeat the wicked witch of the west there's no bravery for me to get, there's just the uncertainty that Neji doesn't think we'll work out."

Hinata bit her lower lip. "Do _you_ think you'll both work out? There's that tangible attraction you both feel, but are either of you willing to make the jump?"

At that Tenten chortled bitterly. "I've deduced my worst-case scenario is a World War breaks out and Neji's studio gets blasted to smithereens by an enemy missile. That, or I don't tell him and grow up alone with thirty-eight cats. Other than those theories... I'm not sure." Another sigh, almost forlorn in its weariness. "I know _I'd_ like the thought of holy matrimony, but can he envision the idea of being with me for the rest of his life?"

_He doesn't envision, he outright prophesizes_, Hinata thought to herself with another secretive eyeroll.

"I'm sure Neji had indicated he would."

"Maybe I need glasses then," Tenten snorted, returning to lying on her stomach. "Or maybe Neji's weirder than I thought."

Hinata pleasantly reminisced a night of her dashingly handsome cousin in a tuxedo for once, the dark silk contrasting nicely to his sharp alabaster features whilst complimenting his smooth brunette hair... his hands holding up gobs of french vanilla cheesecake and barking at her to eat some or he'll tell Hanabi that Santa Claus really is a myth bastardized by the media to fuel their delusional economy.

"He's certainly needs _some_ other type of ADD medication," the Hyuuga heiress told herself, mind running back down memory lane.

"What I'm trying to say is," Tenten interrupted, "Neji isn't going to make a move even if I make-out with him as volcanoes erupt around us, birds of paradise gather like a hurricane of swirling colors up into the sky. He's going to be awkward about it and try to disappear for a while by jumping out a window to make up any bullshit excuse he can."

At that Hinata immediately returned her attention. "Is this from experience or assumptions?"

The brunette groaned and buried her face into the beanbage. "He's a gigantic limp dick sometimes!"

Hinata sweatdropped.

**Flashback a year and a half ago**

"I've been wanting to incorporate my studies on avians with my realistic paintings," Neji said abruptly, lifting his head so that he wasn't staring at his pizza. For a moment Tenten was really worried he had become enraptured by the grease and cheese, and would end up painting the food rather than eating it. Knowing he just came back from one of his campouts in the forests, Tenten was sure he hadn't eaten in two days. He probably doesn't care either, which irritated the food-loving brunette to no end.

She raised an eyebrow as she consumed another spoonful of Ninja-O's. "Ooh, sounds fascinating." Indeed it did. With Neji it was always a surprise no matter what he proposed to combine because he never created something you would expect. It was what made him such a mystery.

Something in the Hyuuga's eyes seemed to sharpen, contracting and dilating in the blank white depths as he looked at her. "Yes," is what he replied with. "Though, I can't get a regular model because they cost too much and most think I want to have sex with them." The look was gone then, concealed by obvious disgust and nauseousness. Tenten tried not to laugh in his face at the plight.

(It was all genetics, that Hyuuga charisma that's been passed down just as long as their eyes and silky hair have been. Even though Neji had a malnourished, stork-like body he was still desirable by a good portion of the people. Somehow, the ego that floods out of his pores in tidal waves allows people to overlook his more jerkass tendencies.)

Neji continued on, his next words causing a shift in their relationship forever. "It will broaden my subjects and maybe get those critics off my back. And... I've always wanted to... paint you, so... will you?" he ended somewhat lamely, but the message was still there.

Tenten was flattered to say the least, cheeks turning into ripened apples. She didn't want to stutter, but the words her head thought weren't properly being transferred to how her mouth would say them. "Y-you-you're really sure about me being the... model?" Weren't models either busty blond vixens with hourglass figures or wrinkly old bags full of gusto?

If it were possible, Neji himself seemed to be flushing at the prospects. "... you don't have to be nude," he added, though his attention had shifted to his soggy, neglected cup (they had run out of clean bowls) of cereal. He sounded almost disappointed, though Tenten's head was pirouetting so rapidly in place she couldn't have possible heard it.

_It's no big deal, he's just asking a favour_, Tenten told herself. She coughed and began to eat her slice of pizza, stalling desperately for an answer.

Neji appeared to have gone catatonic, merely waiting for her to reject his proposal.

Meanwhile, Tenten finished her pizza and was drinking the rest of her cereal by picking up the bowl and slurping down the contents. _Okay, maybe it is a big deal... to me. Neji could probably find someone else if I say no. But I've never had someone draw me before... what if those statistics off the internet are true and I really do see myself fifty-percent prettier than I really am? Goddammit, did I just eat my entire breakfast in three minutes?_

Tenten set her empty bowl back down, wiping her lips with the back of her hand. Slowly, mind you, because she was still fighting with indecision. She tried to say something - _anything_ - that won't come off as a complete refusal.

"_I'd say yes if I wasn't so fucking self-conscious._"

"_That's awesome but couldn't you pick a better model? Like, say, the entire female population at this school?_"

"_You want a cheap model? Go to the zoo and paint the elephant. We practically have the same waistline!_"

Tenten grimaced at her horrible joke, staring up at the ceiling as she bit her lower lip. It was either say no, and never have another chance to be as close to Neji, or say yes and have all of her physical flaws and deformities immortalized on paper. She swallowed thickly and lowered her gaze to tell Neji the final verdict...

Only to find him intently looking at her with that creepy expression in his eyes again.

His eyes seemed to be _rippling_ with emotion. An emotion she had no idea what to call.

_Killer intent?_

_Uncontrollable passion and desire?_

_... constipation?_

Whatever it was, it was compelling. Enough for Tenten to blush all over again and divert her attention to the window, hyper-focused on the little bits of dust floating around in the air.

"F-fine. O-okay?" she said, pouting slightly at how foolish she felt for her indecision. She knew it would never mean as much to Neji as it did to her. "Bu-but don't think I-I'm doing it for y-you, okay you idiot? I'm just trying to help out y-your art career, you g-got that?" She huffed for extra emphasis, crossing her arms in front of her chest stubbornly.

The entire room seemed to still for a moment.

"... you don't know how much that means to me," a low voice breathed near her. _Really near_. Tenten faced the direction of the voice, only to feel something smoosh against her face (somewhere near the mouth region; as if someone had targeted her lips and missed horrendously) and nearly push her off her chair with the suddenness.

Well, she did fall, but that was mostly from shock.

"Fuck! Why'd you do that?" she yelped, scrambling around on the floor like a flipped turtle. Her statement was from falling over, but Neji didn't know that at all. He recoiled, standing immediately whilst knocking his own chair over as his fists clenched and his body trembled. Tenten, recovering from her surprise, looked up at him with confusion. "No, seriously, what was that?"

Neji cringed, eyes piercing anything but his brunette roommate until they fell on the window. He walked over hurriedly, opening it up and promptly throwing the upper half of his body outside.

Tenten caterwauled in shock, pointing to opposite side of the room. "The door's over there, fuckass!" Neji, the mature, cool-headed young man that he was, merely replied by propelling himself out of their second-story window without another word.

There was a loud thump heard, and then the noise of dogs going batshit insane while car alarms went off.

Then, the sound of a heartbroken twenty-one year old running for his life down the street in only his t-shirt and boxers.

And finally, Naruto laughing so hard he doubled over in pain.

**Cue Lee waking up and screaming like a beached whale - end of flashback**

"I mean, who tosses themselves out the window when they knock another person out of their chair?" Tenten shook her head. "He came back... well, I bailed him out of jail when the cops arrested him for disrupting the peace, but he was really timid about the whole thing. I guess he really was nervous about asking for a model."

"I can't imagine why... hey, Hinata? You still there?"

She wasn't.

The shy, timid, no-backbone Hyuuga heiress had put her phone down to throw a tantrum of epic proportions. She had turned face-down on the bed she was sitting on, flailing all four of her limbs and screaming so hard her face turned a striking tomato red. Profanities of several languages and vulgarity spewed from her mouth as she vehemently cursed the cluelessness of her friend and appalling cowardliness of her half-brother.

Sadly, it wasn't enough to detract Kiba nor Shino from... whatever the fuck they were doing to come and help their other roommate, who seemed to have just busted a cap in her sanity.

"So is that a no in helping me?"

* * *

**A/N: Blah blah blah Neji's dead. The little snot could have offed himself a million chapters ago and I would still continue writing about his nonexistent love-life.**

**Fuck you Neji.**

**This chapter isn't funny nor intelligent I feel but now that I'm so close to a resolution (a shitty, cliched one) I feel no obligation to stop. See ya for the (hopefully) final chapter next time!**


	6. Getting the D

**Never get a princess to do a cowgirl's job.**

_"H-hey, you know Neji Hyuuga right?"_

_Tenten wondered if telling her "does a dog know its own fleas?" would be rude to say or not. She was already running late and Shikamaru needed her to pick him up twenty minutes ago._

_She settled on the frank, courteous answer. "Yes, I'm his roommate. I have been for two years." Her hand reached out to grab her ballet shoes, stuffing them in her duffel as she tried to make enough room for all of her supplies to fit._

_"Oh, that's good!" the sweet, apple-honeyed voice exclaimed. "I've been meaning to ask you something now... about Neji... umm..." Tenten snorted under her breath, thinking it was some fangirl trying to get her to hook them up with the 'ever-so-talented Mr. Hyuuga Prodigy'._

_"He's gay," she cut-in._

_Blessed silence filled the locker room, allowing Tenten to finish her packing. She stood up, pulling the strap over her shoulder and checking the time on her phone. "Shit," she whispered, "Granny's gonna be pissed at me."_

_Before Tenten could run off, the voice behind her reminded the bun-haired woman there was still someone else in the room. "I-I wasn't talking about him l-like that!" they cried, startled, "I wanted to ask h-how... what's Neji like?"_

_Tenten huffed her long, unkempt bangs out of her face and jogged in place. She really didn't need this, she had a long drive to the country in a few hours. "He's polite, courteous, and well-mannered!" she replied, "now I really have to go! See ya, nice talk, buh-bye!" Considering she was so late already, maybe she could stop by her dorm and get something to eat. Chinese chicken sounded good._

_Sakura Haruno watched as the older girl ran out of the building without even glancing at her. She curled a lock of hair around her forefinger, her other hand holding a beautiful lace-ivory dress with ribbons and pearls she had to change into soon._

_"I wish I could be as talented as her," the pink-haired girl said._

**Time to get a haircut**

"Ouch."

"Shit."

"Can you not do that -?"

"OW!"

Tenten hissed and nearly slapped the curling iron out of Sasuke's hand. "You fucking suck at this!"

The offended Uchiha snorted and set the hot iron clampers on his marble counter. She should have just gone with Shikamaru, who was currently fleeing the state so he didn't have to chose between two blonde, blood-thirsty vixens to take to Sakura's giant party.

"You try using something you didn't even know your brother owned," Sasuke retorted, looking at his sibling's hair utensil with mild disdain. "Why can't you get _Hyuuga_ to do it? He probably spends hours on his hair each day."

"Hey smartass, remember Neji's angry at me!" the brunette woman spat, scrutinizing herself in the mirror. Half of her head felt as if it had been charred off while the other was still not even brushed. "So this must be what Karin feels like..." She tried to smooth down both sides, but it proved futile.

She gurgled from the back of her throat, shooting a dirty glare at Sasuke who was already in his immaculate onyx tuxedo.

The little twat caught her gaze and smirked, ever the insufferable snake she knew he was. "Like what you see?"

"If you think my type are scrawny pencil-necks, then yes."

"I am not scrawny; I am lean. Though Neji might just be your dream guy then. I doubt he can even lift."

Tenten huffed her long bangs out of her face, frowning when they just fell back over her vision. "Oh, he can lift. He just lifts like a goddamn baby." Sasuke chuckled loudly, having to hold a hand over his mouth respectfully. "What's so funny?"

It took a moment to compose himself but Sasuke just gave her his shit-eating grin again. "I've never heard anyone talk about Hyuuga so... hilariously. It's always 'Neji's so hot' or 'Neji's so talented', not 'Neji's such a shit why can't he eat more than a pancake before passing out with diabetes?'. You describe him like no other."

A that Tenten glowed, a fond glimmer in her eye. "I can't say no one else knows him like I do." Sasuke was silent as he watched her, noting how Tenten prided herself on being one of the few so close to the aloof Hyuuga. He thought back on their 'date' at McNinjas, noting how she treated him like he was any other guy rather than the Sasuke Uchiha, yet she held the utmost respect for Neji.

"You must have a special ability about you that melts cold hearts," he said, picking up the curling iron again. "Now let's make you decent before you go outside again. It won't be a pity date if I'm bringing a cow with me."

She stuck her tongue out at him, standing up and ruffling his hair so it became a heap. At his squawking she simply chuckled. "There, now we're both bovine!" She then proceeded to moo in his face.

Sasuke's brow twitched. "Be care, I'm not afraid to serve Neji his future-bride well-done." He raised the curling iron, prepared to clonk the brunette woman on the head as she began to refute any ideas as Mrs. Hyuuga - right as Itachi walked in.

"Sasuke, did you take my -"

He stopped, watching as his little brother menaced what looked like a mammoth otter with overgrown hair making cow-noises at him. A pregnant pause stretched between them. Ruefully, the situation would have been easy to explain had all of Itachi's co-workers not piled into the room. What proceeded could only be called mayhem.

"Dayyyumm Itachi, your little bro snagged himself a _whale_! Hoo haa, the stars be shining bright tonight! ERGO, he's getting _laid!_"

"Not big enough to be a whale, more like a bear -"

"Why is she half-naked? _Why is she half-naked?_"

"Did he buy her services? How much did she cost?"

"So this is what eternal suffering is..."

"I wish this moment could be immortalized forever, so I can replay it over and over and laugh myself to death."

As every member of Akatsuki, a well-known business best regarded for its strict professionalism, became hoodlums in under two seconds, Itachi pinched the bridge of his nose and extended a hand towards his mortified younger brother and supposed date.

"Give me the curling iron. I'll fix this."

**BITCHES LOVE WHALES**

Neji really hated wearing anything fancy.

He fixed his cuffs for the umpteenth time, grimacing when a smal crease refused to be smoothed out. He tried several more attempts before losing his temper, clutching his hand like it was infected and screaming to the next room. "Why am I taking _Haruno_ to the unveiling again?"

Hanabi stuck her head out of the room she and her sister were preparing themselves in, a sour expression on her young face. "Because daddy wants you to screw her!"

Neji caterwauled in agony at the idea. "She has no thighs of which to speak of!" he bellowed, falling to his knees and throwing himself on top of his expansive bed. "What good is sex appeal with no thighs! Ugh, I felt like I was painting a white picket fence under a cluster of carnations!" Neji continued to making death-noises, sliding down to the floor and demanding attention until Hinata got fed up and peered into the room.

"Some men like that," she said quietly, but was drowned out by grumblings of 'thin', 'pink', and 'sending Lord Hiashi to a retirement home early'. Grimacing she continued on. "It's not so bad! Who knows, maybe Tenten will be there!"

At that the Hyuuga's thoughts flew off into the Milky Way. He was quiet for a moment before bursting into wails and rolling around like a slug that's been salted, uncaring if he mussed up his hair and began to askew his silver cufflinks. Hinata watched her elder relative, a young man who has tried to free himself from his family's strict, archaic ways with blood, sweat, and tears, completely fall apart with the fear of losing the only woman he's found the capability of loving.

She really wished he had been more prosaic about it. Maybe smash some expensive vase, or scream to the ceiling. Just something a bit manlier than wiggling like a worm uprooted from its soil.

"No one has any clue where she is!" Neji tried to unfasten his tie in despair, but after two minute of grappling with the finicky cloth he gave up with a cry. "No one can reach her by phone either and she hasn't been back to the dorm since none of the food from the fridge is gone!" His eyes widened, thousands of situations amalgamating in his prodigiously silky head. "What if she ran away with that delirious homeless guy Juugo from the park!" He gave his cousin a helpless expression, one delicately sprinkled with hints of hysteria, and topped with a teaspoon of manic paranoia.

Hinata tried not to give a long-suffering sigh. If people thought her crush on Naruto was pathetic, then they obviously forgot the time Tenten showed up late to one of Neji's birthdays.

Trying not to remember when Neji threatened all of his house guests -most of them distant cousins he didn't know the names of- with a swan made of flammable (very _very_ flammable) garbage when he thought they had not invited Tenten, Hinata kneeled down by her cousin's pathetic body and tried to rub soothing circles into his back. "There, there, it will be all right. Tenten is a strong, independent woman who will be fine on her own. I'm positive that by the end of this party things will go back to being normal." She didn't want to think of what 'normal' meant when it came to Neji, but her words seemed to work as Neji stopped his blubbering to finally compose himself.

"One night," he said, features steeled with resolution. "I'll show that limey tart of an uncle I'm not going to forsake my own happiness for a flippant business deal in one night. Then I'm going to give _it_ to Tenten the moment I see her."

Hinata rolled her eyes at the insult to her father but smiled at the last part. "You really should. I mean, you've been holding onto that promise ring how long?"

The artist's face flared up as he unconsciously placed a hand over his suit pocket where a small, silver band of metal was being hidden. "N-none of your business, Hinata! I-It's not like I _wasn't_ going to give it to her, so it's not a big deal!" He looked away, all pouty and red-faced. Hinata groaned as it seemed Tenten's mood swings were rubbing off on him. "Anyways, how long until I have to go?"

"Five minutes. We're picking Sakura up on the way too."

Neji wilted.

**Can't wait for the obligatory happy ending**

The first thing Tenten did was go to the snack table. Sasuke joined her a moment later, eying her with unyielding contempt as she chewed on a tiny sausage-roll.

"Did you fucking leave me at the entrance for goddamn hors d'oeuvres?" It was easy to tell that didn't happen to him a lot.

"Sorry Sassykins, but food sexier than you any day," Tenten replied, stuffing an eclair in her mouth and licking her lips of the cream. Sasuke's prayed that the clasps on the back of Tenten's black dress wouldn't break. "How about you go reconnaissance for me if Sakura's here or not." She waved him off, as if a common busboy.

Sasuke tensed but relented to the task. "If she tries to tear my face off, I'm siccing her on you."

The brunette woman allowed Sasuke to slip away, having already embarrassed him by leaving him at the door. She couldn't help it, she was that kind of jittery only miniature wieners wrapped in buns could appease. _Please don't let her find me, please don't let _him_ find me_. _If I had to get killed by one, which would it be? I guess Neji since dying by his hands wouldn't be so bad, but I don't want to see him mad at me!_ Tenten sniffled and grabbed a paper plate, piling some food on it.

Meanwhile, Sasuke was having troubles of his own.

"Naruto, how did security not kick you out by mistaking you for a colorblind escapee for the special-needs?"

The blonde grinned, his mouth so large it could engulf a cantaloupe and then some. "If you must know, Sas-_gay_, I am here because I have a date! She's awesome! I asked her out just last week after Sakura turned me down for the fortieth time!" The Uchiha scanned the numerous women roaming the luxurious building, hoping to find a blind amputee or a deaf girl in a wheelchair. He spotted Hinata, who was shyly conversing with another women , and clicked two and two together.

"Wow, you actually asked out -"

"That's right!" Naruto shouted, right in his stoic roommate's ear, "I asked out Edina Mukashi! And she said yes! Hey Edina! Hey- _hey_ Edina! Over here! No, not that way! This way! Yeah, I want you to meet my roommate!"

Sasuke felt the need to vomit on the spot. "Naruto," he whispered sharply as Hinata helped Naruto's date walk over, "Edina Mukashi is the janitor's eighty-six year old mother."

"Uh, yeah, so?" the idiot inquired. Edina smiled at him, her beady eyes small compared to the thick frames she wore. "Edina, you look great! Thanks Hinata for being with her while I went to the bathroom, you're awesome too!" The Hyuuga heiress flushed to her hairline, the only thing keeping her upright being her hold on Edina's wrinkly old arm. Sasuke stalked off as soon as he had a chance, not wanting to listen to talks of hip replacements and endure cheek pinches.

He got about three entire steps before he was forced to run back to the snack table where Tenten was.

"Eclairs, Sweetie?" he strained, taking one of the tiny pastries and forcing it into the brunette's mouth. Naturally, she began to choke.

Her reaction was also very natural. "Whudda _fuck_!"

"No talk, honeylumps!" Sasuke continued, stretching his lips into what he hoped was a smile as he lead Tenten away from the food. "How about we go out onto the patio? Look up at the sky and shit or stare into each other's eyes longingly for a good three hours?" His right eye twitched without his control.

Tenten was not very agreeable to either of those proposals though, taking hold of his wrist and twisting it behind his back. Manly pride was all that kept Sasuke from squealing. "You're hiding something from me," she said right by his ear. "Spill it or I'll grand jeté my foot directly up your asshole."

Sasuke sighed, nudging his head over his shoulder. Tenten's eyes followed the movement, looking behind them and letting go of Sasuke in shock.

"That's Neji -" she choked.

"- with Sakura," Sasuke finished, herding Tenten away from the couple that had just walked in. They escaped easily as everyone else went and welcomed the artist and his model.

The patio was freezing with a blunt wind, slapping the hair into their faces and causing their noses to tingle. Tenten didn't pay any of that attention as she stared out into the sky where a quarter moon rested. Sasuke stood beside her, letting the huff of the wind be her comfort. Under the moon he found her a bit prettier, the blue light washing out her fiery features and making her less scorching. She was almost... tolerable when she was sad.

When he felt Tenten had wallowed in enough self pity he spoke. "Personally I would have taken Sakura as a date if she needed one." He waited until she lifted her head to face him, the fire in her eyes not as bright. Sasuke immediately decided that though he got burned by her, it was much better than watching her flames die out. "I know she likes me - a lot - and I probably don't like her one-fifth as much, but believe me I would have asked her out if I knew Neji was the runner-up. I know their fathers are in cahoots, so don't think too hard about it, okay? I'm sure beneath all that bastard Neji's still a bastard, albeit a bastard who likes you more than Sakura. He's probably got his balls in a vice. I bet tomorrow he'll be your bitch, groveling for your affection."

She finally chortled, which put Sasuke's mind at ease as he found he had been rambling.

"Thanks for the words of encouragement, even if they are dumb."

The embers had begun to simmer again, giving her a soft glow that Sasuke felt attracted to. He leaned closer, trying to examine the warmth. Tenten blinked up at his, tilting her head to the side. "What's up, doc? Do I have something my teeth?" She unabashedly stuck a finger in her mouth, barring her pearly whites as she dug around her gums. Girls like Sakura, Ino, Hinata, and even Temari would never do something so uncouth in a male's presence.

"You're so unlike other girls," the Uchiha lamented, furthering Tenten's puzzlement. "You act like the world isn't judging you, so carefree. I can see why Hyuuga's after you."

Tenten's face turned into a cherry; she veered her view to the flowers, gazing longing at the thick bunches of larkspur just below the railing, their petals cerulean. "I wish."

"Come on, you're not an idiot. Can't you see that Hyuuga likes you, even a little? He's gotta show _something_ of a libido."

She shook her head. "The only times he really looks at me with any intensity is when he paints me. Other than that he's a brick." Her lips pursed." Why are you so concerned with my affairs anyways Sasuke? Are you hoping that if Neji ditches Sakura she'll be yours for the taking?" She wagged her eyebrows at him.

Sasuke smiled slightly. "Maybe; Sakura isn't a bad person, I just don't know how I feel about her. She's a friend for now, I know, but..."

"But...," Tenten pushed. Sasuke exhaled slowly, taking one more look at the pale blue moon before turning to the short brunette.

"But maybe I want someone like you instead."

The air stilled. Tenten realized how close Sasuke was to her, tilting his head down so that she had to look up to see his face. Their lips were close, their breath mingling into mist. His expression was smooth, concealing anything he might be thinking. It was the same thing Neji did to her.

She clicked her tongue against her teeth. "You're such a liar."

Sasuke shrugged, standing upright again. "I know. Just wanted to see how you'd react. And to give that Hyuuga a little show."

Immediately Tenten twirled just in time to see a wisp of long ponytail heading back into the building.

Had Tenten been a cat she would be hissing at him, body seeming to combust with energy as she pulled up her dress to run. "I appreciate the cleverness Sasuke, but next time just tell me if he's been watching us! Goddamn, now I have to chase after him in heels! Thanks for nothing, duck-dick!"

Sasuke watched the spunky woman sprint off, swearing under her breath as she finally got her determination back. He leaned back against the stone railing, pulling out his phone and speed dialing a number as he admired the larkspur.

"Hey, you did as I said?" came a scratchy voice, a large amount of background noise making it hard to hear.

The smirk that spread across Sasuke's face could have filled a pool. "She's chasing him down right now. So, about my deal of the bargain..."

Coughing could be heard, along with some mutterings of 'troublesome'. "I'll do your fucking homework, calm your tits. I've got the entire airplane ride to do it."

"You're such a pussy, Nara. Running away from _two_ hotties," the Uchiha chastised, plucking a petal and rubbing it between his fingers.

"I know, I know, Kurenai's already lambasted me on the way here. Just know that love's the biggest drag in the entire universe, Sasuke. There's no right and wrong in it, that's the whole problem." Another cough, along with the click of a lighter. "I have to go. My flight's gonna be here soon and smoking in the bathroom was a bad idea."

Before Sasuke could reply, the call ended and he put his cellphone back in his pocket. He relaxed against the railing, watching from the sidelines as Tenten ostentatiously, in front of all the guests, picked Neji up like he was a box of styrofoam and raised him about her head.

He tried to find a mop of pink hair in the audience, but instead found a spiked mound of blond hair near a dome of dark lavender standing close together.

"Eh, I guess he's right," Sasuke admitted, letting the petal drop, and winced when he witnessed Tenten throw Neji right into the snack table.

**And no one had cake that night**

"I'm _so_ sorry, Neji. I didn't think you're break the punch bowl. I also didn't think you're land the serving fork for the fondue. Or have the fondue fountain fall on your face." Tenten sheepishly dabbed a moist hanky on the Hyuuga, his skin flushed from the first-degree burns and molten cheese. She surveyed his disoriented look and lowered her head. "Once again, sorry."

The prodigy remained mute, which Tenten took as still being pissed off. She bit her lip, cursing herself for her impulsiveness. Really, throwing the guy you've liked for a few years at the food wasn't the best excuse for being jealous.

It was stagnant in the restroom as Tenten treated Neji's wounds, him sitting on the counter as she used the entire supply of paper towels, her nice black dress ripped in some places and crinkled in others from chasing Neji down and also from running when security came. Neji spared her from getting thrown out at least, but she was positive she'd leave anyways from sheer humiliation. Thankfully - or not? - Sakura had not come bursting in yet, yelling at Tenten for injuring her date and causing chaos at her party. Tenten hoped that she could patch Neji up and skedaddle as soon as possible, then spend the remainder of school avoiding Sakura as much as possible.

"Tenten... I have something to tell you."

Oh, but they were both dancers even if Sakura was a year and class below her. They'll _have_ to interact in some way.

"... Tenten? Are you listening?"

She couldn't possibly switch to a new school. What if she changed her schedule and stopped auditioning for school plays? Her mother would kill her though, which was almost as bad as being killed by an angry Sakura. Just by watching Naruto she knew the girl could punch _hard_.

"Hey Tenten, will you be my girlfriend?"

Really, she should just bucker up! Face her fears and finally confront her demons! She wasn't like Shikamaru, who is literally running away from his problems.

"I want to smang you all night long."

She is a go-getter! She is confidant! She is a talented young woman who is responsible, earnest, and a great listener!

"Tenten will you marry me?"

It's been decided then! She will go out with Neji and talk to Sakura! Even if... even if Neji wants to be with someone as gentle and polite as Sakura; then she will be brave enough for that too...

"Tenten I think I'm pregnant. It's yours."

"Strong, independent woman who don't need no man," the brunette mumbled, deep in thought, staring absently down at Neji's crotch as she had long stopped washing his face.

Neji waited patiently for Tenten to stop spacing out, whistling a tune as he fiddled with the ring in his pocket. He took it out, examining it in the greasy yellow bathroom light, before picking up the brunette's left hand and sliding it onto her middle finger. It was a perfect fit.

The Hyuuga twiddled his thumbs expectantly.

* * *

**A/N: holy shit I kid you not this chapter deleted itself in various ways four different times. I nearly gave up on it because fuck that shit I am not good with chaptered stories. I am so fucking done. Next chapter is it. Don't expect it soon and don't expect anything quality. Love ya**


	7. FIGHT

"Phew! What a night!" Tenten stretched, scratching her side through her little black dress as she rushed for the the fridge. Her eyes sparkled when she found a box of chicken teriyaki and rice left in a take-out box, glancing over at Neji who was practically dragging himself. He lumbered over to the couch, tripping over a dog toy for the dog they never owned, and flipping over the back to face plant into the seats. He head been despondent ever since the party.

Despite her roommate's lifelessness Tenten was ecstatic with how the events turned out. After she cleaned the Hyuuga up Sakura was with Sasuke the remainder of the night, conversing under their breaths as Hinata helped Naruto dance with his own date, who appeared ready to keel over any minute. The heiress was particularly jovial when Edina had to sit out a couple of slow songs.

Meanwhile, Tenten walked around the enormous portrait Neji painted, admiring it despite not wanting to. That's the skill Neji had, annoying as it was. It's what made him so popular despite being ass.

Though the piece was magnificent it felt like something was missing to Tenten, as if a gaping hole was punched through its spirit to leave only a pretty husk behind. There was no light in Sakura's eyes nor did the smile reach the viewer - her skin too pale and the pink too _pink_. Tenten scrunched her nose a bit, wondering when she had seen such a thing before.

It slammed into her as Neji came out of the bathroom and put a hand on her shoulder. She had turned to him, surprising the young man as she asked, "Why did you go back?" It was a silly question. Neji should have been lost at what she meant, but he took one look at his own masterpiece and appeared to understand.

He smiled at her. "Because I didn't have my wings this time."

Tenten still wasn't sure what that meant, but then the dancing had begun and she really wanted to dance and thus dragged Neji to the middle of the floor. Of course, he was too tall and had never danced anything cooler than the macarena while she was too short and had to lead his two left feet, but they were still the center of attention as she spun and he followed. It felt so magical at the time, so unexpected, even when Neji's mood began to darken and he left her to sulk by the food table.

Two hours later and she agreed to come back to the dorms with him rather than go "wherever the hell you flew away to" as Neji put it dismissively. Tenten still felt guilty, especially knowing that she will have to borrow money from the Hyuuga for new phone, but every time she tried to begin an apology Neji's grip on the steering wheel would tighten. The car ride was abysmally silent.

Digging around in the silverware drawer Tenten wondered where Lee could be. He was out a lot these past few weekends, as if he was trying to leave her and Neji alone more often.

"Do you know where Lee is?" the brunette woman asked as she set a paper plate of food in the microwave. She saw some rather unidentifiable stains on the sides and ceiling of the interior, hoping Lee had not tried to reheat anything. For a man so good at making curry hot enough to give Neji an anxiety attack he was below average on fixing anything else. "He hasn't left us any sticky notes..." Their fridge, covered in Lee's many magnets and Neji's calendar, was bare of any indication as to where their bowl-haired roommate could be.

Neji lifted his face up to see what she was doing, then immediately placing it back in the gap between the cushions. "Lee can be off in Canada for all I can."

"That's cruel."

"I don't feel like being not cruel."

Tenten observed the bratty Hyuga, wondering why his mood plummeted. It was not like he wasn't already a constant mood swinger but this time there didn't seem to be any good reason for it. Maybe he was jealous Sasuke swooped off with his date?

The microwave timer dinged.

"Let's watch a movie," Tenten suggested, the other's bad aura rubbing off on her. She refused to let that bastard's pessimism ruin her good mood.

Sitting down on the couch, uncaring if she nearly sat on Neji's face, Tenten put on a romantic comedy and began to devour her meal. After ten minutes Neji extricated himself, having resembled an ostrich with his head in the couch, and sat beside her on the far edge of the furniture. Usually he sat as close as possible since Lee had a habit of bringing his pet turtle to watch with them, but he was awfully distant this time.

Neji stared at the screen, listlessly watching as the female protagonist ran straight into the male love interest and toppled them down a hill within the first fifteen minutes. He was never fond of those cliched antics, harrumphing when Tenten squealed as the male love interest's male best friend found the two in a pile of tangled limbs.

Tenten huffed at his disinterest. "You were happier when we were dancing." The Hyuga shrugged. "C'mon, tell me. Something's really stuck up your ass this time."

"That doesn't encourage me to spill the beans," he snapped, startling Tenten. Neji looked away, remaining silent for another few moments. Tenten nibbled on her rice, suddenly nervous with being around her roommate.

The movie progressed to the point where the female protagonist's rival was shown, upstaging her with some flashy dress, when Neji groaned and slid a hand through his hair. "Shit, Tenten, I'm- I'm sorry okay?" He appeared heavily displeased. Distress was beginning to color his expression which in turn alarmed the brunette woman. "It was supposed to be like this, this stupid movie, all magical and expected. Everything was going to slide into place but it didn't; it just - it just didn't. And I'm kicking myself for thinking it would."

Neji finished with a defeated sigh. He was slumped over his knees, massaging his forehead as he grumbled a few curse words. Finally he mashed his palm against his closed eyelids, whispering a low, "I'm sorry." He sounded so heartbroken, defeated and tired about himself.

For a while the only sound was the film, the female protagonist making a cheesy attempt to win her love interest back from the rival and failing miserably. Tenten watched it, but all she could hear was her heartbeat echoing off the sides of the room and right back into her head. This was a rather unexpected excursion to her fun night.

She looked down at her plate wondering why she wasn't so hungry anymore. Then, she scrunched her nose as she beheld something new on her hand. Holding it up Tenten wondered if Sasuke had slipped it on her before they entered the party. It sounded pretentious enough for him to do. It was on her left middle finger, something silvery in color and possessing only a single diamond in the middle, the material around it curled into a flowing pattern.

"Hey Neji, has Ino taken me shopping recently?" she asked, still admiring the ring. It felt really nice to have it on, the smooth texture on her skin and the diamond glinting at her under their apartment's lights.

Head still hung the Hyuga answered, "You haven't gone shopping in a year."

"Just checking," Tenten replied as she tried to find out the jewelry's purpose. She squinted at it, humming softly as she moved her hand this way and that. "Say, do I even own any rings?"_  
_

"What?" Neji's gaze shot up at the word, hyper-focusing in on the object Tenten had on her hand. He opened his mouth, then closed it, before opening it again sheepishly. "N-no, I don't think so."

Tenten looked at him from the corner of her eye. He was no longer upset but rather nervous, his stutter giving him away.

She shrugged. "Do you think Sasuke gave this to me?"

A growl was her response. "I doubt it," Neji said tersely, glaring slightly before quirking an eyebrow. "Why do you think Uchiha would give you something?" Tenten paused to think about it, unknowing how Neji waited in agony.

She chuckled and shook her head.

"Nah, of course he wouldn't. I've done a lot more to have him hate me than want to date me from the party. That could leave Lee or Shikamaru, but neither were there. So let's see, someone who was at at Sakura's party. Someone who I would know enough to warrant giving me a ring. Someone hopefully male." She listed each qualification on her fingers, clicking her tongue against her teeth. Her eyes widened as she turned to Neji, who went rigid as a board as they locked gazes.

"Tenten, I lo -"

"Was it Naruto?"

"- ve... wait, what? _Naruto?_"

Both sounded incredibly confused at the blond's name. Tenten burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of the idea. Neji fumed and turned back to the movie.

"As if! Naruto wouldn't know a girl's taste even if it licked him!" The bun-haired woman giggled as she leaned back with her arms behind her head. "But_ really Nej_, when were you going to tell me you love me?"

Neji sputtered, surprised that she made the connection.

"I guess now is the part where we realize how much we've loved each other all along and make out?" he inquired dryly, feeling his pride shot to hell.

Tenten responded by snorting and rolling her eyes. "Nah! We're gonna watch another movie and then make out!" She hopped off of the couch, bounding towards the kitchenette. "I'm making popcorn!"

The Hyuga only exhaled in relief as the awkwardness faded, leaning closer to Tenten as she returned with large bowl of fresh popcorn and turned on another romantic comedy.

**Then they KISSED**

Sakura paced back and forth outside of the dance room. She was allowed inside, of course, but her nerves were not cooperating.

"Just - just tell her," the pink-haired woman reminded herself yet again. She shook her head in frustration before impulsively pushing past the thick oak doors into the studio. Her breath caught as rational thought fled, her eyes landing upon a brunette woman with a strong physique.

The younger observed, mesmerized by how easy the other dancer made her movements flow. Tenten was like liquid steel, appearing heavy with her sturdier build but moving seamlessly as if she were lighter than air. She was also confident about her looks, a strong-headed individual who worked hard to accomplish her goals. It made Sakura envious just thinking about it!

"T-Tenten?"

Said person stopped their routine, ending mid-pivot to settle her sights on the Sakura. Steeling her nerves Sakura blurted hurriedly, "I'm really sorry I stole Sasuke from you!"

Though the Haruno had gone over all of the scenarios, all of the consequences and reactions, the one given to her was not one she could have predicted.

"Huh?"

Not only did Tenten appear utterly perplexed by her confession but she held no hint at being angry. That made things easier for Sakura, though she was still wary from the outcome. "Sasuke... you know, the one you ate with? And the one you went to my party with?" Tenten nodded, a surprised look still on her face. "I-I didn't mean to talk with him all night. I-if you don't want me butting into your relationship I won't. Sasuke's been my friend for years though, b-but if you think I'm a threat to your boyfriend I promise I'll tone down my interactions with him and -"

Sakura didn't get to finish the speech she had practiced ever since she came back from the party, blaming herself for being so selfish in trying to be the only woman in Sasuke's life. The interruption came from Tenten's lips in the form of laughter, loud and amused as she had to wipe tears from the corner of her eyes. Even more perplexed, and a tad humiliated, Sakura waited until the professional dancer's peals died down before asking, "Di-did I say something?"

"Y-yeah, sorta," Tenten chortled, still shaking. "You're a crazy ass ho, you know that Sakura?"

The other had no idea how to respond to that.

"Ahem, what I mean is, Sasuke and I have no romantic connection at all. In fact, I think he's a bit of a loser."

Sakura's eyes blazed. "He's not a loser! He's smart and kind, a little arrogant, but definitely not a loser!"

To her chagrin that only caused the other to chuckle. "I guess he isn't, at a certain angle. But no way, not even if Naruto becomes the president like he keeps telling people, will Sasuke Uchiha and I ever go out. I already have a boyfriend anyways." She stretched casually, nonchalant as Sakura's jaw fell to the floor.

"Wh-what? Bu-but what about the date? The-the dance? The _kiss?_"

"Kiss?" Tenten clicked her tongue against her teeth, the epitome of peace while Sakura floundered incredulously. "We've never kissed either. You must've been seeing things."

"It was at the party," Sakura defended, "on the balcony. You and Sasuke were so close! How could I not think there was something between you from back at McNinja's? Sasuke would _never_ lower himself to eating there unless there was a reason!"

Tenten pursed her lips, wondering why she wasn't getting through to the other.

"I don't have time to explain all that. How about this though, we fight. If I win then you have to concede to the fact that Sasuke and I never had any possibility of being an item. If you win then I'll concede that we may or may not have gone spelunking in each other's dirty bits." Tenten smirked as Sakura's face became pinker than her hair, watching as it faded into a heated resolve. Sakura strode up to her, half a head taller than the brunette, and held out her hand.

"Deal."

**Ding ding ding!**

"Tenten, baby, please. You don't have to do this."

"Sshh, not now Nej. Baby's 'bout to beat a bitch."

"I applaud your use of alliteration but I beg of you, do not pummel someone to prove a point. Remember eight grade? Remember how you sent that high schooler Karashi to the _hospital_?"

Tenten rolled her eyes. "Karashi was a little punk ass shit. It was good for him."

Neji groaned. "Karashi is a little punk ass shit who is now missing his two permanent front teeth."

"He should never had played that prank on me."

"He tripped you down a hill. Once."

"No one messes with Tenten NoLastName!"

Seeing as how he was getting nowhere with his girlfriend Neji submitted and went back to the bleachers to sit next to Sasuke. Beside them was Naruto, making loud bets with Kiba on who will win. Hinata sat behind them, appearing nervous as she didn't know which she should root for as Ino bellowed out support for both sides indiscriminately. Shikamaru was asleep beside her, earmuffs on his head and tons of eszopiclone in his system.

Naruto growled as he waved a twenty dollar bill around. "Twenty says Sakura wins!"

Kiba, along with Akamaru whom he had somehow smuggled into the gym, barked in unison. "Big woof! Everyone knows Tenten's been in the kickboxing team since middle school!"

"So? Sakura was on the football team for two seasons! She was the quarterback _and_ the offense!"

Shino piped up, "She has a mean right hook."

Kiba snarled at his roommate's treason. "Tenten has a mean _everything_!"

In the far back, clutching his archaic reptile, Lee rained down waterfalls and snot as he waved two flags, one pink and the other red, in each fist. He wailed at the top of his abnormally large lungs, "I cannot chose who I pledge my faith in! Sakura is a radiant goddess while Tenten is an absolute hero! My darling Sakura is as delicate as a hummingbird on ice skates yet savage as a stampeding gorilla! On the other hand, Tenten has been my best friend with the grace of an eagle wearing spandex and prowess of a mountain lion that has eaten Master Gai's delicious curry delux! The decision is tearing me apaaaaarrt!"

Neji scoffed, waving around his Go-Tenten flag lackadaisically, hoping it would be over soon so he can get back to his Doctor Who, still paused with David Tenant's mouth opened mid-sentence.

His girlfriend was about to engage in a boxing match with his ex-model, which sounded funny since both were dancers. Here, in the ring, it made no difference what the reasons were or what was on the line, all that mattered was who would walk out the single victor. It seemed to fit the two determined, fiery women.

From painting Sakura and talking with her family Neji had to admit he was shedding a new light on the person he had believed to be too clingy, frail, and annoying. She grew up privileged, yes, but she worked very hard to get into the positions she held. Her parents failed to see eye-to-eye with her on what she wanted to do, and she had a high standard for her own work. Most of the time she bemoaned her inferiority even as she secured herself under the tutelage of Lady Tsunade.

He refused to ever say it aloud but Sakura was a bit like himself. They both had overbearing relatives and had trouble doing anything that might bring them joy because what they liked doing turned out to be against what everyone else wanted except for a fair few.

As the match began Neji contented himself with this knowledge, accepting it in himself as he saw Sakura embrace it in the ring. She let her fists do the talking, which suited Tenten just fine as the two females were equally matched. Sakura obviously had the strength advantage but Tenten's agility and technique made up for it.

Looking over at Sasuke the Hyuuga wondered how his role in Sakura's life would play. He was important to her, but would he really become what she wanted him to?

It wasn't Neji's concern to decide that, he deduced. His life was with Tenten, hopefully until death do they part and then some. A secret smile rested on his lips as he thought about it, the promise ring he had given the brunette held securely between his fingers so she wouldn't lose it in the fight.

From inside his cuffs he pulled out a second, more gorgeous ring made of sterling silver. Several diamonds were woven around the band with a large one sitting in the middle, encircled by a miniature phoenix and dragon.

Life was so unfair Neji mused as he witnessed Sakura deck his girlfriend across the face, only for Tenten to reel back and clock Sakura upside the head. He grinned despite the circumstances, unable to contain the peace he was experiencing as havoc raged around him.

Closing his eyes he decided that life was completely devoted to screwing him over, but if his heaven was there by his side then he really didn't mind at all.

**Fin**

Quick notes:  
(1) Karashi is the long-haired loser from that filler arc of the Curry of Life. He is probably the biggest loser of Naruto history.  
(2) Eszopiclone is a drug, more popularly known as Lunesta and is supposed to help with insomnia.  
(3) I have never watched Doctor Who but over the summer I plan to begin. Don't you dare spoil it for me.  
(4) I remained ambiguous on the potential SasuSaku, InoShikaTema, and NaruHina because I am neutral on each couple. NejiTen is the only pairing I'm in full support of so I'd prefer to keep other pairings uncertain for reader's sake, though it probably does appear pretty solid on who goes with who. I have stopped reading the manga (only know of Neji's death) since Pain razed Konoha so if anything becomes canon I probably wouldn't know.

Much thanks for anyone who bothered reviewing this horrible fanfic. I have been gone and I have no excuse. Writing isn't my biggest passion but it sure is fun to do from time to time. I was really worried about finishing since I had actually planned to not finish it and just move onto something else. But I'm glad I did, even if I feel I swept some tings under the rug to get it done. My thinking is, everyone's in college anyways so it's not like their happy ending is coming anytime soon. Save that for the funeral.

Anyways thanks for reading. I am now free to move onto other projects. It was very fun while it lasted and I appreciate all the reviews, favorites, and story alerts I have gotten.


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